


Second Chances

by Xairathan



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: F/F, Post-Third Impact
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-11
Updated: 2016-06-30
Packaged: 2018-07-14 08:41:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 33,101
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7162835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Xairathan/pseuds/Xairathan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“When you asked if we could be friends... I wish I had said yes.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Part 1

It’s hypnotizing, the motion of the waves. The way they slide so gently up the shore; their equally soft retreat; the lapping of the world at the edges of its wounds. In there must be a million souls or maybe more; at least the entire population of Japan, if not the world. All the world, bound to the sea, except for two souls: one who sits watching on the beach and the other, the bringer of its destruction, wandering in a wasteland of his creation.

Asuka doesn’t know where Shinji is. He left some time ago, following the spine of the sea down the coast. He left because he could no longer bear to look at Asuka, who was killed by his inaction but whom his actions would only hurt. His footprints remain on the beach, high above the furthest point the sea can reach, a reminder that he has left Asuka alone once again if only Asuka would turn her head and look back at them. But she doesn’t; her eyes are fixated on the coming and going of the water: not looking up at the body of Lilith, resolutely disappearing inch by pale inch into the water to be turned into the foam that crests upon the shore; not looking behind her at the ruins of Tokyo-3; not looking anywhere but at the sea: the only moving thing for miles around, and perhaps the only living thing as well.

* * *

Today, Lilith’s eyes sink from view. Asuka doesn’t notice this, only the slight rising of the sea that brings it to her toes. The water touches the soles of her plugsuit, neither warm nor cold. Asuka watches her feet sinking into the beach, the coming tide trickling in rivulets around her feet and carving out a place beneath her, one that will dry over and harden when the tide recedes. If it comes any further, Asuka thinks, it will overrun her sitting spot and begin to carve around her, and if she sits there long enough the sea and all the living souls within will do her a kindness and carve out her grave. 

The water comes up to Asuka’s thighs; advances past them; bathes the tips of her fingers. Here is the pulse of the sea and its souls, beating resolutely on the beach. And in one of those odd moments, the ones that seem to come more and more often after the culmination of Third Impact, Asuka wonders if she even has a pulse of her own. What would it be like to wade into the sea until the water reaches her eye, until all she can see is red? Would it take her back, or spit her out onto the beach? To her the sea is a cradle, holding life until it’s ready to come ashore, and she wants nothing more than to submerge herself in it and let it consume her.

Asuka breathes in to sigh, and water fills her lungs. She has walked into the sea, let it close over her head; now she can hear it whispering to her, luring her into its depths; now she feels a chill seeping through the seams of her plugsuit. She knows what death feels like, and this is it: the sensation of being grabbed by incorporeal arms and dragged down to an uncertain fate, of tongues and saliva running over her body, moist and revolting.

Her cheek scrapes something rough: the sea floor. She lies against it as best she can while her body convulses and struggles for air. The murk from the bottom rises up, enveloping her, shielding her from the light of the moon. She will die in the darkness as she did before, one arm outstretched, too proud to call for help. The hands that grab her are more insistent now, yanking her against the currents, trying to pull her apart. They clutch at her arms, at her stomach. Her body has failed; in a second more her consciousness will follow, and Asuka will die. But in the moments between she realizes that to the world, she was still a child. Just fourteen. And now, just a memory. 

* * *

She’s been rejected again. That’s the only explanation Asuka has for waking up and finding herself back on the beach, her bandages soaked through and partially unraveled and her eye uncovered. Despite everything there’s no sand on her arms, so either she’s washed up on her own and lay there for some unknown amount of time, or someone’s dragged her out.

She thinks of Shinji, of being saved by him, and the idea repulses her so violently that she flips onto her side, eyes frantically scanning the beach for any sign that he came back, not knowing what she will do if she does see him. 

She watches the movement of countless grains of white sand, scattering like ants. Some flee toward the sea; others tumble in a reckless mass into a small indent in the smooth surface of the beach, racing to fill it before the sea can come and drag them away. 

The tracks lead down into the water in an uneven scramble, some close together and others further apart. These are the ones that trail down the beach and far beyond Asuka’s sight. Then there are the other ones, the closer ones, that lead out from the water, each step barely passing the previous one, like someone had shuffled out of the sea to collapse on the beach. These could be Asuka’s, if they didn’t continue on past where she lay. 

Asuka turns, eyes narrowing like she is preparing to look directly at the sun, and glares at the pair of white shoes half-buried in the sand. 

Something is wrong. Shinji wasn’t wearing shorts when he left, and even if he’s traded his black pants for something else this skin is too pale to be his. It’s chalk-white like the surface of the moon; the hands wrapped above them just below the knees are soft, nails perfectly trimmed, palms still smooth from never having done hard labor. There’s only one person these hands can belong to. Now Asuka almost wishes Shinji had been the one to drag her from the sea, just so she doesn’t have to deal with Rei. 

Asuka stands, rubbing away the salt that’s dried and crusted on her face and in the small tears in her plugsuit. Rei rises when Asuka does, watching her with as much interest as her blank face can convey. There’s a tension in her that Asuka’s never seen before, like she’ll lash out if only Asuka can find the right button to press. She almost wants to: to see the unflappable Rei Ayanami rage against the world when it’s already broken, and tear herself to pieces doing so. God knows Asuka is all too familiar with the concept. But it’s not worth her time: there are other places to be, other places that aren’t near Shinji or Rei, and Asuka wants to find them all so she will never be caught off guard again, so she will always have a safe place to retreat to.

Something latches onto Asuka’s wrist when she walks by Rei. It’s a hand, white like one of SEELE’s EVAs, and Asuka lashes out with her free arm only to have Rei step back and watch the punch pass by her cheek with that same empty, childish fascination. But she does drop Asuka’s arm. Asuka huffs and shakes herself, like that will remove the memory of Rei’s touch from her skin. Rei steps forward, trying to catch Asuka’s attention; Asuka refuses to meet her eyes, looking just above them, wondering if Rei can see the upward angle of her eyes and guess, correctly, that Asuka still can't bear to see her in any other guise but Lilith's. 

Her eyelashes are a soft baby blue, like the former color of the sky, and the short expanse of skin between her eyes and her bangs must be clouds. Here is Rei Ayanami, the embodiment of the last memory of the sky; and here is Asuka, having struggled so hard to be someone only to be left with nothing memorable about herself at all. Even her wounds will heal with time, and she will be just another girl walking the surface of the earth; the first girl to return from Third Impact, but not the last. Everyone will remember the First Child before they remember her. 

“I didn’t need to be saved,” Asuka snaps, the words welling up in her stomach and leaving her before she even realizes they were there. Rei remains in her place, standing, watching. Asuka wonders if she’s waiting for an order. “Fuck off.”

There’s no obedient nod; Rei doesn’t turn away and start walking down the beach like Asuka hopes she will. Fine. She can work around that.

The back of Asuka’s good hand connects with Rei’s cheek. Asuka doesn’t pause or turn back to see if she left a mark behind, but Rei’s pale enough that she probably did. She keeps walking, dragging white sand specks onto the dark asphalt of the city, shaking off as much as she can with every step so Rei won’t have a trail to follow. If there’s any place to get lost in this new world, the rubble of Tokyo-3 is it. 

Maybe Rei calls Asuka’s name just as she fades from sight; maybe it’s the sea, trying to tempt her one last time. Asuka doesn’t look back, but keeps striding with purpose for two blocks, then three, until the confidence that swelled up within her on the beach finally runs dry and leaves her an empty husk, a shell of a person that finds the nearest solid surface and curls up and shakes with angry sobs that echo among the remnants of a city that’s just as broken as she is. 

* * *

Asuka’s been through what feels like everything: being torn apart then put back together, sinking into a mass of a million other minds, and yet navigating the ruins of Tokyo-3 is its own unique hell. Her body is sluggish. It protests every motion that Asuka orders it to execute, and when it does fail her at last it pitches her front-first into a pile of debris. Asuka knocks against the metal and concrete with her arms extended, the intact arm of her plugsuit snagging on every protrusion, shredding itself to pieces. By some miracle of luck her only injury is a shard of glass wedged between her middle and index fingers, which she plucks out with her teeth and spits onto the street, watching her own blood well up between her fingers with savage satisfaction. Yes, she can bleed; yes, she is still human. 

Somehow Asuka manages to stagger from the pile to a nearby storefront, climbing in through the broken front windows and curling up behind the counter. It’s no bed, but it’s the most protection she’ll find in such an exhausted state. Maybe, Asuka thinks, the fatigue weighing down her mind will keep dreams from intruding upon her sleep, and for once she’ll be able to rest without her eyes flying wide open what seems like moments later, her breath echoing sharply in the darkness as she reminds herself it’s all in her head, or at least hopes it is. 

Sleep comes easily in the shadow of the counter and the storefront. But where the waves had drowned out all other sound before, the city is eerily still. Not even the wind blows. Asuka hears every shift that her body makes on the concrete floor, the ringing scrape of spilled 5-yen coins when her feet bump into them. The world fades in and out, and though what sleep Asuka manages is thankfully dreamless, slowing the frantic beating of her heart long enough to sleep is a chore.

The sun settles deep behind the hills surrounding Tokyo-3, bringing out the moon to cast its silvery light on the empty streets. Some spills in through the broken windows, stretching the shadows even further, and as Asuka crawls from one spot to another to try and find some place that agrees with her there comes an echo from far away. This isn’t surprising; after all this time Tokyo-3 is still settling, and debris crumbles all the time. 

The echo persists. It’s too measured to be the slow collapse of a building, and it seems to match Asuka’s pulse for the short time before Asuka begins to panic, eyes darting around the shop to find a place to hide. The shadows on the walls are no longer comforting; they take the shape of the Mass Production EVAs and reach for her, sending her scrambling back to her original hiding place under the counter. She sweeps the coins away with a single swipe of her arm and curls up on her side, holding her breath. She won’t be found here. They won’t see her here. No one knows she’s there, not Shinji not Rei and certainly not  _ them _ .

Asuka waits, taking shallow breaths around the knot that’s suddenly formed in her throat. Her senses strain to hear the slightest noise, but whatever she’d heard before is gone. The rational portion of her mind claws its way free of the shackles of panic, suggesting that maybe what she’d heard was a building giving way all at once, and echoing repeatedly. 

It could be something as simple as that, but still Asuka has to check. She gropes around on the floor for something she can use as a weapon, and her fingers close around a large shard of glass. She lifts it before her with shaking hands, holding it as tightly as she can without cutting herself, and places her back to the counter. Slowly, not daring to breathe, she pokes her head over it.

A ghost is there, the pale outline of its skin wreathed in moonlight, staring at her with blood-red eyes. Asuka stifles a scream and falls onto her back; when she finds her feet and stands, holding the glass shard out as far away from her as she can, the spectre is gone. She’s tired, Asuka thinks, if she’s seeing things such as this. The adrenaline drains from her body in a singular rush, dropping her to the floor. The glass shard slides from her limp fingertips. Sleep seems so much more accessible now, and Asuka closes her eyes, waiting for it to come and overtake her.

But something nags at the back of her mind. Something that wants to prove that what she’d really seen was a vision, and nothing more. Asuka opens one eye and freezes, her whimper of fear sticking in her throat where her heart seems to have lodged itself. Lilith stands over her, eye sockets dark and empty, that horrible doll-like smile stretching across her face. She looks down at Asuka, but doesn’t move. Then Lilith blinks- something Asuka’s never seen her do- and her face is Rei’s, the wrinkled lines around her eyes filled with worry, and there’s that quiet frown on her mouth that means something’s wrong but Rei will refuse to comment on it. Lilith’s smile hides behind it, pushing through at unpredictable moments and retreating at others, the dark glint of her eyes eclipsing Rei’s. This seems more like a creature than Lilith or Rei, a creature with both their faces, with empty eyes and unearthly teeth. A creature that Asuka had faced once before, something she'd fought and lost.

It has to be a vision. The First Child has no way of knowing where Asuka would hide, and SEELE’s EVAs were all destroyed in Third Impact. Asuka scrunches her eyes shut and forces herself to breathe evenly, even though each second that passes makes her want to tremble harder, and not just from the cold. 

Some time later, Asuka finds the courage to open her eyes.

Lilith is gone, but there’s a small can of coffee in the place where she stood. It’s the kind Misato always had in her apartment, that Asuka adopted for herself during her stay in Tokyo-3. 

* * *

In the morning Asuka leaves immediately, not touching the coffee, not even knocking over the can in a fit of typical childish spite. It could be poison, she tells herself, or a trap, or a hallucination. None of these are things she wants to deal with. She leaves the storefront and its broken windows behind and stands in the middle of the street, her head rotating left and right. Nothing moves, just her- glancing all around like a sentry, unaware if danger lies out of sight but looking for it anyway. When she turns back around her foot snags on a protrusion in the street, and she spins in a clumsy half-circle pointing her down the center of the road between the rusting cars and fallen lamp-posts. Here is the way forward, laid out quite plainly for Asuka to follow. It can’t be that easy, Asuka thinks, but her momentum carries her on wobbly legs that slowly become more confident in their strides, like a child learning to walk.

Asuka looks back when she reaches the next intersection. The sun looms over the crumbled buildings, red light reflecting off the clouds and the tiny pieces of fragmented glass carpeting the street. It’s like the beach all over again: the red stretching as far as the eye can see; the distant spires of buildings reaching futilely for the sky; something large on the horizon, be it the sun or the moon or Lilith. The only thing that’s missing is Rei. Asuka thinks that’s an improvement.

Asuka continues to shuffle along, watching her shadow lead the way amidst reflections of herself in glass panes and half-evaporated puddles of gasoline and water. She looks into one of the puddles and sees herself staring back, face obscured by an oil-slick rainbow that isn’t quite large enough to conceal the tears in her plugsuit, the patches of tan skin sticking out amidst the scarlet material, which by this point is more patches than plugsuit. 

The girl in the puddle scowls and vanishes when Asuka storms away, ripping the shredded remnants of her outfit from her arm and leaving them on the street. There are plenty of clothes lying around the city for the taking, but Asuka won’t accept any of them; she wants new ones. This is one thing she can control, and it’s not a gleeful smile or any outward display of joy but grave determination that’s on her face when she barrels through the door of a clothing store, yanking off the bottom half of her plugsuit. She throws it behind her, and it lands on the door lying lengthwise across the welcome mat, its hinges snapped in two at the joints. 

Either it’s dumb luck that the first place Asuka looks has clothes in her size, or maybe it’s the world’s way of apologizing. Asuka picks through the selection with a slowness foreign to her. Here she is, a survivor of Third Impact who should be out there rebuilding but instead stands half-clothed next to an upended rack of pants, wondering if jeans or sweats are more fitting for her environment, and if she’d like them better in black or navy blue.

Her final outfit looks something like this: black jeans and a red t-shirt, hidden by a jacket a darker shade of red with white stripes running down the sleeves. It’s something that the Asuka before Third Impact would never have considered wearing, but this world has tried to kill her at least once and practicality takes precedence over fashion, which is lost on Shinji and nonexistent to Rei. Asuka steps back from the mirror she’s been admiring herself in and begins to leave, halting abruptly when she sees the person standing in the doorway, blocking her exit.

Rei appears smaller than she did the night before; half of it is because she isn’t looking down at Asuka, but her shoulders are hunched and the remains of the mannequins standing in the display windows tower above her. She’s so scrawny that Asuka could walk past and knock her over. Maybe she’d even burst into LCL. But Asuka doesn’t do this; talking to Wonder Girl strains her patience thin enough, and touching her is out of the question. 

“Didn’t I make myself clear?” Asuka snarls, her voice shrill and higher than she’d like it to be. She swallows, glaring at Rei with all the venom she can muster. “Fuck off.”

Rei steps over the door and out of Asuka’s path; Asuka flinches and takes a step back, right onto the limb of a broken mannequin. Solid ground becomes air, and her hair floats all around her face, a perfect portrait of herself as she had drifted in the LCL sea before she crashes down on her back with bruising force. Rei is standing over her when she opens her eyes, looking at her impassively. If Asuka could reach up and smack that blank look off Rei’s face she would, but instead she knocks aside Rei’s offered hand and stands on her own, rubbing her elbows. 

Maybe it’s the force of having hit the ground so hard, but Asuka thinks for a moment that Rei’s shoulders slump and when she turns it’s slower than her previous precise movements. She can’t be sad though; it’s not in her programming, Asuka thinks.

“Why are you even here? I can’t suddenly be  _ that  _ interesting to you, can I?” she laughs. “Don’t you have Shinji to bother?”

“He has his own Angel,” Rei answers, so softly that Asuka almost misses it. She turns back, lifting her chin, daring Rei to keep talking. But she doesn’t. Rei’s never said anything to her without a double meaning, and this is no different; Asuka’s quick enough to make the multiple connections she needs: that Rei must be an Angel, that maybe there’s a 19th Angel that they won’t be able to fight without their EVAs, or maybe the possibility that this Rei Ayanami has lost her mind in the LCL sea and is living a delusion. None of this matters to Asuka; it doesn’t affect her. 

She rolls her eyes, pulling her jacket tighter around her body. She passes Rei on her way out of the shop and just barely resists the urge to bump into her. It’d be funny to see Rei lying amidst the mannequins, but it’s also more attention than Asuka wants to give her. She keeps her gaze forward until she’s reached the middle of the street, where she turns back. Rei’s standing in the doorway, staring at her. Waiting. A familiar heat gathers in her chest as her hands clench into fists. 

“Yeah, and I don’t want one either. Stop following me.” Asuka snaps and storms down the avenue, hair bouncing off her back like even it is angry at Rei. She will not stop for anything once she's set her course, but if Asuka were to look back she would see Rei's lips moving; if she were closer, she might hear Rei whispering under her breath, asking why Asuka refuses to open up to anyone.

Asuka vanishes around the nearest corner. She’s backtracking, but that’s probably not on her mind; all Asuka will want to do is get away from Rei, and only once she’s done that will she stop to correct her course. Rei sighs and starts after her, pausing in front of another store where something has caught her eye. Asuka doesn’t have that much of a head start on her, Rei thinks. She can afford a quick side stop. She climbs through the window with jerky, uneven movements, losing her balance and landing flat on her face. 

She finds what she’s looking for in a broken cooler at the back. 

A minute later Rei is back on the street, following Asuka deeper into the city, clutching an unopened can of coffee between her hands like it’s the most precious thing in the world. 

* * *

It must be easy to find someone when there’s no wind to brush away the imprints of feet in the dirt. That’s what Asuka assumes led Rei to her. She looks up from where she’s seated herself inside the lobby of an apartment building, sprawled across a dusty couch, and scowls at Rei. Asuka sets her teeth at the edge of her lip and watches Rei approach, another one of those coffee cans clasped in her hands. She holds it out to Asuka, waiting, and something in the way she stands reminds Asuka of a child offering some trinket they’d found. Her teeth pierce the flesh of her lip and her arm flies out, smacking the can from Rei’s grasp. It lands on the ground and rolls away, but neither Asuka nor Rei pay it any mind. 

“You,” Asuka seethes, standing and bringing her hand up to the collar of Rei’s school uniform. Her fingers twitch against the red ribbon, like she would love nothing more than to grab Rei’s neck and wring it out. “Why. Why do you keep  _ following  _ me? What part of  _ stop  _ do you not understand? Did you finally decide to quit listening to what people tell you, ‘cause now’s a  _ fine  _ time. Well?!”

She shoves Rei back with as much force as she can muster, but Rei doesn’t fall. She staggers back with stiff movements, never taking her eyes off Asuka. That’s the part that Asuka decides she hates most in that moment. Not Rei herself, who reminds her so much of the Mass Production EVAs; not her enduring silence or her tendency to show up uninvited without a sound. No, it’s her eyes that Asuka hates, those eyes that never stop watching her and that taunt Asuka with their red, her favorite color, that looks so horribly mismatched compared to the rest of Rei.

“So?” Asuka steps forward, following her- oh, how ironic that must be- and her hands connect with Rei’s shoulders again. “You get it yet?! I. Don’t. Want. You. Around. Me. Go away!” 

She doesn’t realize how far across the lobby they’ve gone until the back of Rei’s head smacks hard against the opposite wall. Those red eyes disappear behind pale eyelids, and something flickers across Rei’s face that might be pain, but Asuka doesn’t care. She slams her palm next to Rei’s head, biting back the laugh that erupts from her throat when Rei flinches away on instinct. Maybe she has some fight to her after all, but it’s nothing compared to Asuka’s. 

“Understand me now?!” Rei’s eyes open back up, and the manic eagerness on Asuka’s face drops away, leaving her looking exactly like Rei: emotionless. Nothing that Asuka’s done has been effective on her, not yet, so Asuka shoves herself into Rei’s personal space- not like Rei has any concept of that, anyway- and musters as much force as she can into her voice. “Leave me alone!”

Her shout echoes through the lobby and in the street outside. Rei doesn’t react to it, not even a twitch, like her one moment of weakness earlier had never happened, or maybe she’s adapted to the worst Asuka can throw at her and nothing will faze her anymore. Her eyes move slightly, taking in every part of Asuka’s face. “So,” Rei says at last, soft like the sounds of waves on the beach. “If you want to be alone, is that why you tried to go back into the sea?”

A muscle in Asuka’s face tightens. Rei hears her knuckles cracking as she pulls back a hand, balling it into a fist that changes into an open hand halfway to Rei’s face, fingers taut and trembling with rage. Rei’s seen this process before, in an elevator in NERV, and she knows what comes next. Her arm knocks hard against Asuka’s, the shock of the sudden impact jarring the nerves up to her elbow. From Asuka’s sharp inhalation, Rei guesses she’s felt the same. But when Asuka moves to draw her hand back, maybe to try and hit her again or maybe to try and leave, Rei grabs onto her wrist with such a sudden motion that it surprises even herself. 

Asuka goes rigid at Rei’s touch, but she doesn’t fight back. She might be too surprised to, but the look on her face is one of anger and she trembles from head to foot with gentle convulsions that could be nervous energy, or fear, or any of the many other things that Rei has not yet felt. In a moment she will move- Asuka is not a person of inaction- but this moment is Rei’s, and in that time she chooses to lift her hand, still wrapped around Asuka’s wrist, to the side of her face. 

Asuka’s fingertips brush Rei’s cheek. The warmth of Rei’s skin surprises her, though she’s not sure what she really expected- an impersonal cold like the metal of an EVA perhaps, but not the warmth that Asuka associates with another living being. Rei tilts her head just slightly, pressing her cheek against Asuka’s palm, still watching her with those eyes. Those eyes that now shine with a curious light, like she’s wondering what Asuka will do next. Her hand has long since dropped away; the only force holding Asuka’s hand in place is her own shock, and when she realizes this she jerks away like Rei has burned her with this unexpected warmth. But she doesn’t break eye contact with Rei, and the ragged little breath she takes in makes Rei think that maybe it wasn’t fear that Asuka shook with but pain, the same pain that lurks behind her eyes just out of sight. 

Then Asuka grimaces and that pain is gone, replaced by surging anger. “I don’t need you  _ coddling  _ me like a child,” she spits. She’s trying too hard; she sounds hollow and robotic even to herself, but Rei wouldn’t know; she’s never felt anything like that, right? “I don’t need anyone. I don’t need you! I can take care of myself!”

Asuka turns and begins to walk away without waiting for Rei’s reaction, knowing it wouldn’t gratify her- only make that gnawing feeling of doubt in her stomach grow and double. But still she can’t help but slow her pace when she hears Rei’s voice, reaching across the lobby, sounding like Rei could be standing right next to her and not against the wall where Asuka left her. 

“When you asked if we could be friends,” she says, her tone sounding less like Rei Ayanami’s and more like Shinji’s broken ramblings. “I wish I had said yes.”

Asuka has no response for this. None of the scenarios she’s imagined have ever involved Rei saying anything remotely similar to this, and it leaves her at a loss. She can’t just walk away without a reply; to her that would be admitting defeat, and losing to Rei Ayanami is something Asuka won’t tolerate even in a world where victory means nothing. 

“Yeah?” she says, trying to force an edge to her words. “Good for you.”

She leaves Rei in the building without looking back. To her satisfaction she doesn’t hear Rei’s footsteps trailing after her, but the city somehow seems more empty, more vast than before. It could be the long shadows, thrown out before the setting sun like an immense carpet, or the similar blanket of clouds beginning to gather overhead, if only Asuka would look up and notice them. She trudges on, hands shoved in the pockets of her jacket as she passes intersection after intersection, looking for a satisfactory place to sleep that isn’t riddled with broken glass and overturned furniture. 

Above her, the clouds continue to gather and swarm, reflecting the light of the setting sun in a pattern of dark grey and purple, the same colors as a bruise. 

* * *

Night falls quickly, easing the sun below the horizon with clouds that blot out its light and smother the moon. Asuka wishes sleep would come with that same rapid efficiency, but it refuses to, lingering at the edges of her being beyond her reach. Even though her legs ache from walking so far and her eyelids are heavy, she stays awake, looking out the windows like she expects Rei to appear at any moment like she’s done before. Maybe she’ll even have a can of coffee in her hands. It’s typical Wonder Girl, Asuka thinks with a sigh. Straight answers were never her thing, and she’s probably waiting for Asuka to ask her about the coffee one day. Well, Asuka will never give her that satisfaction- she’s got Rei’s game all figured out. 

Asuka rolls over, burying her face in her arms, feeling the rough fabric of the couch rub against her clothes. It certainly isn’t helping her get to sleep, but it’s better than the floor, and it’s better knowing that if Rei shows up next to her in the middle of the night, at least she’ll be within punching distance this time. 

Just then the city groans- some distant mumbling that could be a building falling, or the echoes of Rei picking her way over its bones in the dark. The rumblings grow louder, too close and loud to be a collapse, but they don’t jar Asuka’s senses in the way that earthquakes do. She props herself up against the couch to squint into the city, trying to find the source of the noise and failing. If something that isn’t Rei or Shinji is out in the city, Asuka won’t let it take her lying down- she rises, cracking her knuckles with sharp pops, and walks out of the building she’s taken shelter in. 

Asuka’s feet touch the sidewalk as white light ripples across the sky, turning the dark underbelly of the clouds a pale grey. The low roar of thunder follows, the same sound that Asuka keeps hearing, and she wants to laugh. How could she have forgotten what thunder was, when it rained so often in Germany? The idea is silly; all of it is, and a faint smile touches Asuka’s lips before beginning to fade just as quickly. Something is off- she can’t put her finger on it precisely- but it has to do with the smell of iron suddenly thick in the air, and maybe with the large drops of rain that begin to fall from the clouds above, pelting Asuka with their unnatural heaviness. 

Her first thought is chemical rain. They’ve dropped at least two N2 mines on Tokyo-3 at this point; that’s the obvious answer. But this liquid doesn’t burn or sting like chemicals should, and it doesn’t explain the smell, which no longer smells of old metal, but rather like an EVA. It smells of aged LCL, the kind that spewed from Shinji’s entry plug after he emerged from the Twelfth Angel. It’s a stench Asuka can’t forget, though she’s content to roll her eyes and maybe try to sleep through it all when lightning flashes again, directly overhead, lighting up the city and the rain falling onto it.

The asphalt and the puddles forming on it aren’t orange, like LCL should be. They’re red. A droplet falls on Asuka’s face and works its way down her cheek, between her parted lips and into her mouth. As soon as it hits her tongue she recognizes the taste, and only just holds back a scream that would expose her to more of this blood that inexplicably cascades from the heavens. The taste makes her gag; it’s all too familiar, but before Asuka can retreat into the building and try to take shelter the sky erupts in a web of lightning that illuminates the city for blocks around, and the white figure of a Mass Production EVA looming tall some blocks in the distance. 

It can’t be real. They were all destroyed during Third Impact. Asuka stands with disbelieving eyes, straining to see past the vague outlines of buildings obscured by the downpour. Her right arm aches; the space around her left eye begins to throb, but Asuka holds her ground on shaky legs, refusing to believe what she thinks she’s seen. Then the lightning comes again, not soon enough for Asuka’s liking, but the MPE is there and it looks closer this time. Asuka can see its jaws, dripping with red; the teeth that reflect the lightning; the lips the same color of the rain coming down around them. She can’t help it; she screams, choking on more rain as it falls into her mouth, and runs. 

She has no destination in mind, only  _ away _ . That  _ thing  _ can outrun her any day, but as long as it can’t see her, it won’t come for her. Asuka darts between the bits of wreckage in the streets, under overturned vehicles and behind slabs of concrete, but her flight is an unsteady one and her clothes rip open on the jagged edges. She can’t look back; if it’s upon her she will freeze and that will spell her certain death, so she continues her mindless flight, stumbling and scraping her knees raw, but getting up every time. Blood streams down her face, over her mouth and her eyes, blood that might or might not be hers, but which all tastes the same. 

She runs, her feet splashing through the red puddles as she tries to find somewhere that doesn’t smell of blood and doesn’t remind her of her own death. There is no such place in this city, which tonight is a monument to her failure, and when the lightning comes again and illuminates another tall, pale figure standing in the middle of the road, Asuka can’t help the cry that escapes her. Her feet catch on uneven pavement and she falls, but she doesn’t get up- they’re closing in on her; they’ll find her if she moves.

A hand wraps around her upper arm and pulls her to her feet. Asuka shouts again, a weak battle cry that’s laced through with fear, and lashes out. Her free hand connects with something soft and solid that must be flesh, but whatever’s holding her doesn’t release her. She swings again and again, aiming her punches when the lightning flashes at the creature with pale skin and red eyes. Another hand grasps that arm, immobilizing her, and pulls her close. Asuka staggers along, trying to jab with her elbows but only managing what amounts to a few pitiful nudges. 

Some minutes later she realizes the rain is no longer hitting her. It takes her a moment more to make sense of the sudden absence of lightning, and put two and two together. Wherever she’s been taken, it’s somewhere covered. The arms around her are firm, guiding her with purpose toward a destination Asuka doesn’t know. But they linger for longer than they should; no one’s ever held her for this long before, Angel or EVA or otherwise, and when at last Asuka feels them push her into what feels like a seat she almost wishes for that touch back. She gives no such outward indication of this, but stares blankly straight ahead, only breathing and blinking. 

This, Rei thinks, is what she must have looked like to the world. She watches Asuka, and at last she understands now why Asuka called her a doll. In the future she’ll try to be more expressive, but for now she must worry about Asuka, who sits staring off into a space that Rei can’t see, and doesn’t react to anything. She doesn’t do anything when Rei touches her shoulder to call her attention, or when she hesitantly removes Asuka’s jacket, which stinks of blood. The shirt underneath is damp with it as well, but she can deal with it in the morning. 

Asuka still hasn’t moved. Her eyes are wide and her breathing comes in quick bursts, as if in her mind she is still running and her body is trying to keep pace with her. If this continues she’ll faint, Rei thinks, and she refuses to think of anything past that. She rests a hand on Asuka’s back and begins to rub, hoping this gesture will help calm her down, or at the very least call her back to herself. Even Asuka, screaming and throwing punches, is preferable to the empty shell of a girl that sits on the couch next to Rei. 

The lightning has moved on and the rain comes down with less force by the time Asuka’s breathing finally slows to a normal pace, though her shoulders still shake after every exhale. The movement of Rei’s hand has stopped; it rests against the small of Asuka’s back, a constant reminder of her presence. For the first time since they’ve met, Asuka is the singular recipient of Rei’s attention, but she’s not cognizant of it. She hasn’t stopped staring at some fixed point in space, simultaneously in front of her and beyond her. Her eyelids droop lower with every blink, and at any moment it seems that Asuka will let her eyes close and fall asleep upright. Once that happens, Rei thinks, it’ll be time for her to go- to watch Asuka sleep is to see her with her guard down, and she thinks Asuka won’t be too appreciative of that. 

Rei removes her hand and starts to stand. Asuka makes a noise, something between a murmur and a breath, leaning towards Rei. She reaches blindly across the couch, not turning her head. Maybe she wants to lie down, Rei thinks, and scoots further away. Asuka mumbles again, stretching out her fingers, which feel their way across the couch and land on Rei’s thigh, trying to pull her closer. 

Asuka’s touch is gentle, and so unlike her. She lays on her side with her feet curled up and back pressed against the couch, resting her head on Rei’s legs. A contented sigh leaves her as her face settles, losing some of its tension. She can’t be comfortable, with her arms exposed to the cold and the general awkwardness of her sleeping position, but she looks peaceful. It’s the first time Rei’s seen Asuka like this, without fear or some other emotion closing her off. 

Without thinking, Rei reaches down and runs her fingers through Asuka’s hair. The blood in it has begun to dry, tangling it with clumps that Rei seeks out and gently tugs on, trying to remove as much of it as she can. It’s hard to tell the rust-red of the blood apart from Asuka’s natural hair color in the darkness, but she manages until she can run her hand through Asuka’s hair without encountering too much resistance. It’s the best she can do, and she knows Asuka will probably not appreciate it when she wakes up in the morning- but it’s something less she’ll have to do, and some extra time she can use to recover. 

Rei leans back into the couch, resting a tired hand on Asuka’s shoulder. The rise and fall of her chest comes more evenly now that she’s asleep. Rei hasn’t had many dreams herself, but she hopes the ones that find Asuka are merciful. One of her hands touches Asuka’s face, cool under her fingers. Her thumb caresses Asuka’s cheek just below the eye that the imitation Lance had pierced, feeling for a scar that isn’t there. She won’t be waking soon, Rei thinks; she’s too tired. There’s some time to allow herself rest as well. Her head tilts back towards the ceiling, the weathered fabric of the couch scraping against her neck as her eyes shut, blocking out the world, the falling rain, and everything else except Asuka’s pulse, which flutters faintly against her fingers like the dying throes of a storm.

* * *

The next day the sun rises on a city that, despite the puddles of blood lying still on the ground like red mirrors perfectly reflecting the windless skies, appears completely lifeless. Asuka comes to on the couch, her hair tucked perfectly behind her ears, her hands pressed together like she was in prayer and nestled under her head, a makeshift pillow. She looks out through the shattered lobby windows at the golden rays of sunlight creeping closer to her, hesitant to touch her; at her old jacket, stained through with blood, lying next to a new set of clothing that includes an identical jacket that’s appeared inexplicably; at the two bottles of water that sit beside the clothes and the can of coffee that stands beside those. This is her welcome back to the world, which for all its harsh and broken edges seems to be trying to make up to her for the night before.

Asuka sits up, rubbing at her face. Bits of red crack and flake off her palm, where blood has collected and dried in the crevices of her skin. She scowls and scrapes them all away, looking with even more disgust at the clothes sticking to her body. She doesn’t want help from Wonder Girl- that’s the only person who this help could’ve come from, if the coffee wasn’t a dead giveaway already- but she’d rather not smell like blood. She grabs the clothes and the bottled water and begins to wander the apartment building, seeking a bathroom that wasn’t too badly damaged in Third Impact. 

She finds one sequestered near the center of the structure, the faucet taps rusted through and the mirror cracked in half. Asuka catches her reflection staring back at her, dark shadows under its eyes and little clumps of blood mixed between the strands of tangled hair.

The act of changing her clothes is quick and painless, the act of washing her hair is the opposite. The scent of wet iron stings her nostrils and fills her lungs so she can never seem to get enough air to breathe. The dirty water drips into her eyes; she chases it down into the sink with more water, watching a pink whirlpool form and swirl down into the drain. 

Something shifts in the halls, clattering against the floor, a normally quiet disturbance made louder in the absence of anything else. “Asuka?” Rei’s voice is the only soft thing left to this world. The sound of it calling Asuka’s name freezes her in place and for a moment Asuka forgets how to breathe. Her hands tighten around the edges of the sink, ears straining to hear Rei say her name again.

Rei does, and this time there’s a note of urgency to it. Asuka steps out from the bathroom into the center of the hall, staring at Rei, who stands a short distance away. “You,” Asuka says, a question and a demand. “Why did you bring me here?”

“This was the closest shelter I could find.”

“Not here, stupid.” She’s closed the distance between them without even realizing it; she sees something flicker in Rei’s eyes, like she expects Asuka to toss her to the wall again or some other gesture to prove she’s got control of the conversation. Asuka’s hands ball into fists, her knuckles cracking. “Why are you helping me? I told you to leave me alone.” 

“You were fine in the rain, then?” 

Asuka’s stomach turns with revulsion. Her eyebrows slant dangerously, but other than that she doesn’t move. “I could’ve handled it on my own,” she says, knowing this is a lie: the truth is that she would have run until her legs gave out and fallen face-first onto the asphalt that smells of blood and drowned in the puddles, if not her body then her mind. 

Rei doesn’t say anything in reply. It makes Asuka wonder if she’s finally run out of things to say, or if she’s just letting Asuka stand there in the echoes of her lie. She moves to the side to let Asuka pass her, watching her walk down the hall and through the lobby’s double doors, one of which hangs open on its sole remaining hinge. “Where are you going?” she asks. 

“No idea. NERV.” Asuka looks startled by her own declaration; she places one hand on the broken door and looks back at Rei. “You’re going to follow me no matter what I say, aren’t you?” Rei bobs her head, and from a distance it’s hard to tell but the small shrug she gives to Asuka reeks of shame. If anything,  _ that  _ must be the one emotion that Asuka expects to evade Rei. Maybe she’s reading Rei all wrong- she hasn’t had much practice in it up until now. “Fine, you can come along. But don’t say a word and if you get into trouble, you’re on your own. Got it?”

Asuka doesn’t wait for Rei’s response. She climbs over the small bit of debris in front of the entrance and sets off down the street. The sky above her is perfectly clear, and Asuka notices that the red streak of Lilith’s blood which had stained the sky for so long has disappeared. What remains of that streak lies strewn about on the ground, where it will sink into the earth or otherwise dry and become just more rust covering the city. 

With the tallest buildings and most of the street signs destroyed, it’s hard to get her bearings. She thinks of asking Rei, who’d probably know where NERV is, but insists on continuing on her own, turning down streets at random as she follows what she guesses is the way to the Geofront. 

She has no idea if she’s going the right direction, but a few blocks later she hears gravel tumbling down the pile she’s just descended, and if Rei is following her then she must be doing something right. That, or Rei is just as lost as she is. The thought makes her grin, and two blocks later when Rei catches up to her on another mountain of rubble, Asuka realizes that’s the first time she’s ever smiled because of Rei.

The closer they get to NERV, the more obvious the path forward is. The N2 mine dropped on the city left a trail of blackened husks of buildings and flattened cars and trees. At the center of it all is a hole, immense in its girth and depth, and completely empty. Lilith called the Black Moon into her hands when Impact began, and took the Geofront with it. Asuka had just forgotten. She stands with her bare toes touching the lip of the crater, squinting down into the darkness, like maybe she can make out the silhouettes of anything beneath the surface of the earth that could’ve survived Third Impact. 

“Why did you come here?” Rei asks. It’s a sudden question, jerking Asuka from her silent analysis of the crater. For once she doesn’t feel like snapping at Rei. She just feels tired, having climbed over the ruins of Tokyo-3 and walked so far only to be let down, even though she hadn’t expected anything to begin with. 

“Unit-02 is down there.” Asuka says this like it should be obvious to Rei, but she’s not even sure of that any longer. Unit-02 is probably still in the Black Moon, wherever that is. “Stupid.”

Rei nods and joins Asuka in looking down beyond the edge. She doesn’t look like Asuka does, with her eyes narrowed and trying to pick out shapes among the shadows. Her expression is the same one that Asuka always used to see her wearing, utterly neutral and uncaring. It would be easy, Asuka realizes, for either of them to reach out and shove the other over the edge and into the unknown. Rei wouldn’t do it; it’s not like her, and that leaves Asuka. But it wouldn’t be worth it, even if she does want Rei to go away, and Asuka isn’t so petty. 

“Asuka?” Rei’s looking at her with that absent stare again, like she’s trying to weigh all that Asuka can possibly say in response to her. “I could carry you down there, if you want.”

“How?” Asuka laughs, looking around for something to throw into the abyss, to see if it’ll bounce and make a sound. “There aren’t any stairs.”

“I can use my A.T. Field.”

“Because you’re an Angel.” Asuka shakes her head, swinging her arms at her sides. She looks amused by this; she looks like she might jump down, just to see what happens and if Rei will help her again, but instead she just laughs and turns away from the hole. “Nah. How many times do I have to say it, Wonder Girl? I don’t want your help. Anyway, going down there is stupid. Even if there’s anything down there, it’s probably trashed.” 

Her retreat back down the street is quick, and for the first time since Rei’s seen her, Asuka walks with purpose, even if that purpose is to get as far away from NERV as possible. Part of her wants to enter the dark cavern and see if Asuka’s theory is true, but the urge to stay with her is stronger. 

“Sun’s going down. I’m finding a place to stay,” Asuka says, for no particular reason. Maybe so that for once she can wake up without having Rei suddenly materialize from nowhere. Rei still hasn’t moved from her spot by the crater, as if Asuka’s admission has confused her to a point where she doesn’t know what to do. Asuka jerks her head at Rei expectantly and walks off without another word. It’s an order that’s also an invitation, if only Rei will accept it. 

She does, quietly trailing after Asuka, following her back along the streets between the fallen structures and the collecting puddles of blood. They are two specks of color amidst the black, burned-out buildings, picking their way through the rubble. When Asuka pauses atop the tallest heap of debris they’ve seen yet, Rei taps her shoulder. In her other hand are a pair of white sneakers. 

“Where did- no!” Asuka shouts, pointing toward Rei’s feet. “I don’t need those, especially if they’re yours!”

“Your feet are bleeding,” says Rei, like that explains everything. 

“I don’t give a damn about that! If I wanted shoes, I’d get them!”

“I can carry you with my A.T. Field,” Rei murmurs quietly. “But I cannot  _ carry _ you.”

There’s a visible sadness in her eyes that gives Asuka pause- that, and Rei’s own admission that she would carry Asuka if she could. “Tch. Stop worrying about me.” Asuka slides down the backside of the pile, losing her footing when she touches down on the asphalt. She bangs against the charred frame of a car and falls onto her back, while Rei carefully climbs down after her and offers her a hand. 

“You don’t. Someone should,” says Rei. 

Asuka looks at her for a long moment, seething. She pushes Rei’s hand away, but motions for the shoes. Rei gives her the smallest smile and hands them over, waiting until Asuka pulls them on to continue down the road. 

Asuka doesn’t fall again, not until they reach the edge of the N2 mine’s blast radius and take shelter in the first intact building they find, Asuka collapsing into one of the many chairs occupying what must’ve been a waiting room. Rei sinks into the seat opposite her, bangs drooping in front of her eyes. She looks worn, and very human- Asuka’s never seen an angel tire before. Rei yawns, a tired sigh slipping free, but Asuka sees a flash of red between the strands of blue hair and knows that Rei is still watching her. Asuka imagines her sitting awake all night- do Angels even need sleep?- but Rei sinks so deeply into her armchair that her head doesn’t even reach halfway up the backing, and she looks more like a lost child than a self-appointed Angelic guardian.

“My mother was in Unit-02.” The words slip out of Asuka’s mouth unbidden, and she watches Rei tilt her head to the side, trying to grasp the meaning behind them. “Shinji’s mom was in Unit-01. You’re… you didn’t have a mother, so… who was in Unit-00?” 

“Is that why you wanted to return to NERV?” asks Rei. “Because of her?”

“It’s because I was stupid.” Asuka’s answer is short and clipped, and she glares expectantly at Rei. “So?”

Rei turns her head and looks out the gaping hole in the front of the building, toward the place where Unit-00 had detonated and left a smoldering crater where a large part of the city had been. “I was in Unit-00. A part of me.” 

It’s an odd answer, but Asuka expects it of Rei. Nothing’s ever simple with her. “What was it like, synchronizing with a part of yourself?” 

Rei turns back to Asuka, her eyes growing distant as she searches her memory for events that come to her only in a faded haze, the recollections of her previous self. She had struggled, both the half in the core and the half in the entry plug, and it had killed them both. “It hurt,” she says at last, trying to ignore the nausea washing over her. 

“So I guess you felt pain just like the rest of us.” 

“I always felt, Asuka. I just never showed it.” 

She expects Asuka to scoff, to call her names that are uncomfortably familiar- robot, doll, puppet- but this doesn’t come. Instead Asuka just nods. “Yeah, that makes sense.” 

Asuka doesn’t say anything else after that. She curls up in her seat, bringing her knees to her chest, and lays her head on one of the armrests. Her eyes are shut, but every few minutes she adjusts her position, trying to find one that won’t end with cramped muscles in the morning. 

“You didn’t show anything either,” Rei says, not caring if Asuka hears this observation of hers. From the way Asuka stiffens, she does. But she doesn’t yell- maybe she’s too tired from walking, or maybe she feels just as sick as Rei does, a sensation of vertigo brought on by remembering too much at once.

“Of course I didn’t,” Asuka laughs, breathy and raspy and all too fake. A lot of Asuka’s laughs sounded like this, Rei realizes. “I had to be perfect, didn’t I?”

Yes, she did, Rei thinks. She demanded perfection of everyone around her, but most importantly herself. And when that expectation was not met the carefully-constructed facade that the world knew as Asuka crumbled and left behind a teenage girl, confused and purposeless. 

“So,” says Rei. “You’re like me.”

Rei hears the sharp intake of breath from the chair across from her and sees Asuka’s shoulders rise, but Asuka doesn’t say anything. If she does she’ll admit Rei is correct; if she doesn’t she can pass it off as merely an assumption. 

Rei doesn’t expect a response, and she doesn’t get one. She watches Asuka slowly succumb to sleep: the slumping of her shoulders, the way her legs shift to splay themselves out across the armchair to take up as much room as they can without Asuka falling off, how her arms fold over her middle to protect herself from something; whether it is the cold or nightmares, Rei doesn’t know. Perhaps she dreams of her final stand, or maybe of her mother, whose embrace she will welcome far more than anything Rei will have to offer her. With that thought Rei settles back against her own seat, turning once again to stare out the window, trying to imagine what it would be like to dream of a mother that never existed. 


	2. Part 2

The days that follow are a confusing blur of movement, of Asuka walking the roads of Tokyo-3, searching for a place only she knows; of finding a place between two crumbled buildings that finally matches her criteria, which even she is unsure of, but this place will do just fine; of telling Rei to make herself useful and help Asuka in lugging not one, but two intact beds from the ruins of the city into their new shelter.

“I don’t need a bed,” Rei told Asuka. “I can sleep just fine on the floor.”

“You’re being stupid,” is all that Asuka said, and walked off to find another long wooden plank she could lay over the gap between the buildings, like she had done with so many other planks, to form a makeshift roof.

Two weeks after they’ve settled down Asuka comes into the shelter dragging a large sheet of plywood behind her. Rei watches her haul it through the mess of oversized clothes littering the ground, between their beds set up flush against both walls, narrowly tipping over the pyramid of untouched coffee cans that Rei’s collected on her side of the ‘room’. Asuka shoves it into a standing position at one end of their shelter, pushing it until the plank rises above her head and Rei can no longer see her. It thumps against the wood slats above and sends dirt falling through the spaces where sunlight normally pokes through.

“There. Much better,” Asuka says, walking back over to her bed and throwing herself down on it. Rei nods without looking up from her book, the only one she’d managed to find despite days of scavenging. She’s read it through an absurd amount of times already, but that doesn’t stop her from reading it again, peering at Asuka around the edge of the book. She wonders what Asuka thinks of when she lays on her bed amidst the tangle of sheets and dusty pillows, staring at the light breaking through the ceiling. Maybe she’s reliving the attack of the Fifteenth Angel in her mind, but Rei hopes she’s not. She wants to believe Asuka is stronger than that.

Asuka grunts and sits up, something silver clicking in her hands. Of course- it wouldn’t be a proper excursion if she didn’t bring something back to play with. The ground under Asuka’s bed is littered with discarded trinkets: lighters and ink pens that don’t write and a small quantity of coins, still lying where their stacks were knocked over. But this time, Asuka holds an old box cutter in her hand, extending and retracting the blade and watching the reflected light play across the walls. A layer of dried blood and rust cakes the hilt, accumulating on Asuka’s palm the longer she plays with it.

The light flashes in Rei’s eyes- probably unintentional, unless Asuka knows she’s been looking all along. Rei snaps her book shut and sets it to the side with an audible thump that draws Asuka’s gaze to her. “What’s that for?” she asks.

Asuka shrugs, tossing the box cutter in the air and catching it between her hands. “Dunno. It could be useful.”

“There’s nothing here that can hurt you. No one else has come out from the sea.”

“I want to carry it.” Asuka flicks the blade down into the hilt and tosses it one more time before shoving it under her pillow. “What’s this all of a sudden? You don’t hear me bothering you about all the shit you bring back.” She jabs a thumb at the coffee cans sitting near Rei. “You don’t even drink any of them. What’s going on with that?”

“You need them.”

“No I don’t. I don’t ever get thirsty. Or hungry, either.” She pauses halfway through a yawn to think about what she’s just said, curling her lip at the notion. She hasn’t eaten for months; Asuka’s never even thought about it in depth until now, and it disturbs her. “Probably a Third Impact thing,” she says, waving her hand and falling back onto her bed. She sees the frown as it crosses Rei’s face, and the slight opening of her mouth to say something before shaking her head and picking up her book again.

The silence normally wouldn’t bother Asuka, but it irritates her now like an itch under her skin. “Hey.” She’s louder than she needs to be, but it gets Rei’s attention all the same- she doesn’t look up from her book, but her head twitches in Asuka’s direction. Now Asuka just has to make her speak. “...Where is he?”

Rei insists on finishing the page she’s reading before she answers. The springs on Asuka’s bed creak as she pushes her fists into them, waiting for Rei. “Ikari?” she says at last.

“Who else is there?!”

“Do you care for him now?” Asuka doesn’t remember Rei turning her head, but now she stares into Rei’s eyes, which bore into her with such an intensity that she has to look away.

“I don’t give a damn about him,” she says. “But I don’t want to run into him, either. That’d be fucking awkward.”

“Don’t worry. He’s far from where we are.”

“Has he left the beach?”

Rei shakes her head, a heaviness in that gesture that makes it look like it’s Rei who regrets this choice that Shinji’s made. “He’s still there,” she says.

“With his Angel?”

“Yes.”

Asuka laughs, a dry and humorless cackle that sounds less mocking and more like an automatic reaction. Rei gives her an odd look before continuing softly, like what she says is for her own sake and she’s not sure if she wants Asuka overhearing. “He lived alone before you returned.”

“Why should I care?” Asuka pounds a fist into the mattress and glares at Rei. “So what if he’s lonely; we’ve all been lonely! Is that supposed to make me feel sorry for him?!”

Rei looks away; Asuka expects to see her fists clench with anger or some display of emotion before remembering that this is Rei she’s speaking with. She looks extremely interested in one of the orange sunbeams shining through the cracks in the wooden slats above, which means she’s thinking. If she’s focused like this, she must be. Asuka thinks of grabbing her pillow and shoving it over her head, covering her ears so she won’t have to hear what conclusion Rei’s come to, but she doesn’t. She’ll put up with Rei, if only to show that she’s better than Shinji.

“If you were lonely,” Rei begins, pausing to carefully phrase her next words. “If you are lonely, and you don’t care, does that mean you don’t care about yourself either?”

Asuka’s put a dent in her pillow with her fist before she realizes it. A shadow passes over her face, too difficult for Rei to read beyond traces of disappointment and rage. A low gasp leaves her, building into a throaty laugh that sounds too forced to be real, even to Rei. “You know what?” she says, talking past the rasping of her breath. “I _don’t_ care. Look at me. It’s been how many months since Third Impact, and I’m still here in the same stupid city, living in this stupid little shack, and I’m not trying to make anything better. So guess what, Wonder Girl? You’re _right_.” 

Asuka launches her pillow across the room to punctuate the statement. It smacks against the wall and drops to the floor, though what little satisfaction Asuka takes from that act vanishes when Rei stands with a sigh and goes over to it. “Don’t do that. It’ll get dirty.”

“I don’t care,” Asuka mutters again, kicking spitefully at it after Rei tosses it back onto her bed.

Instead of going back to her side of the room, Rei stands in Asuka’s half. She has a question; Asuka can tell. She looks like she might try to sit next to Asuka to ask it. Asuka kicks her legs out across the bed, taking up as much space as possible, still getting no reaction from Rei aside from a soft, “What are you going to do, then?”

“Stupid question, Wonder Girl,” Asuka groans. “I don’t know. I _don’t_ want to die, and that’s it. Look around. There’s nothing to do.”

“You could grow food.”

“In this place? Yeah, right. I’m not leaving, either. I like this too much.” She gestures upward at the disorganized jumble of planks they call a roof.

“I thought you said it was stupid.” Rei’s never laughed, not that Asuka’s ever heard, but she sounds like she could be laughing now. “You’re fine with things the way they are, then?”

“I guess. No Shinji, no more Angels, no Misato…”

“But you’re fine with me being here?”

Even though Rei’s right next to her, the words sound distant. The stillness of the city becomes very apparent when there’s no one talking, when Rei’s breaths are too soft to hear and Asuka is holding hers. She didn’t mean to admit what she just did, and even then she has no idea how Rei is taking it. “You’re less annoying than all of them,” she mumbles.

“I see.” She looks like she might say more, but Asuka forestalls her by pointing out through the front of the shelter.

“Sun’s setting, Wonder Girl. Shut up and enjoy it.”

Rei’s head turns toward the sun beginning to disappear behind the mountains surrounding Tokyo-3. It paints the sky pink and orange and red, until the last bit of the glowing orange disc sinks out of sight and the only light left to them is that which peeks over the mountaintops. Then Rei turns without a sound and climbs onto her bed, adjusting the sheets over her, obviously intending to sleep. Asuka copies her, turning her pillow over to get the cold side lying against her cheek, and just before she nods off it occurs to her that this is the first night that Rei’s spoken with her, rather than read that book until sundown.

* * *

Asuka wipes her nose and scowls at the concrete slab that stands just as tall as she does, blocking her entrance into the bathroom of the apartment complex she’s exploring. “Damn thing won’t budge,” she grunts, shoving against it with her back.

“What are you looking for?”

Asuka jumps, the top of her head scraping the cracks in the partly-collapsed ceiling. “Damn it, Wonder Girl. Don’t sneak up on me like that.” She pushes at the slab again, pounding at it with her palms. “If you _must_ know _everything_ , I want hair ties.”

“Hair ties.”

Asuka rolls her eyes; of _course_ Rei wouldn’t know what those were, with her immense lack of concern towards everything that didn’t affect her. “Those little rubber bands people tie their hair up with?”

“Ah.” Rei walks past Asuka to the foot of the slab, standing on tiptoes to try and see over it. “And they are in there?”

“I don’t know, that’s why I was trying to get in!” Asuka storms off down the hall, kicking at an open door in her way and knocking a large chunk of it off. “Stupid.” She knows Rei must be watching her, must have heard her even over the tumbling of the wood piece she broke off, and doesn’t know why it bothers her that Rei might think she’s the one Asuka’s calling stupid.

She wanders down between the apartments, finding dusty counters and overturned furniture, broken bits of glass that threaten to poke through the soles of her sneakers, picture frames that Asuka makes sure to turn face down whenever she sees them. She’s picked through what must’ve been a bedroom, coming away empty-handed, and when she turns to go Rei is in the doorway and Asuka’s not sure how long she’s been there.

“You’re too goddamn quiet, you know that?!” she says, venting her surprise in a sudden outburst. “Sneaking up on people is creepy.”

Rei nods, and that seems to be it, but when she steps aside to let Asuka go by her she says, “Something’s bothering you.”

“It’s this.” Asuka gestures down the hall and starts down it again. “You can’t keep going through these buildings without thinking about the people who’ve lived here before.”

The sounds of feet stop behind her, and Asuka doesn’t need to look back to know Rei is doing that thing with her head, where she tilts it just slightly before she says something particularly interesting. “That isn’t it.”

“Oh what, now you’re me? You’re in my head now?”

“It’s not that,” she says, catching up to Asuka. “It’s obvious. You never open up to anyone.” Asuka shoves a door aside with more force than necessary, jamming splinters into the drywall. This is lost on Rei, who keeps talking as if nothing has happened. “NERV and Section 2 are gone. You don’t have to hide things any more.” There are very few things that remain hidden to Rei after Third Impact, but Asuka doesn’t need to know that. “And I won’t judge you,” she adds quietly. “No one else will, either.”

Asuka’s hand swipes out toward the nearest object, knocking a glass vase from a table and into the wall. She doesn’t flinch, nor does Rei, who doesn’t do more than blink when Asuka slams her fist into the table. The muscles in Asuka’s shoulders tense, like she plans to rip the table from the ground and hurl it at Rei. She takes a step back and kicks it instead, and it skids across the room, scraping a line of paint from the wall.

“Here’s the thing about wandering around by yourself,” she says. “You have too much time to think, and I’ve done plenty of that. I know what you are; you’re an Angel and you’re a clone, but do you know what I was? I was a genius. A warrior, an EVA pilot, the best in the world, but you know what I’ve never been? I’ve never been a _child_.” She turns, kicking at the pieces of the vase strewn around the room, watches one tumble across the floor and stop in front of Rei. “ _That’s_ what’s been bothering me.”

Asuka’s frozen, waiting for Rei to reply. If she doesn’t say anything, Rei wonders, would Asuka stand there forever? It doesn’t seem like her, but then again Asuka has just told Rei something important, something Rei can use against her, so of course she’d want to know what Rei thinks. She looks at Asuka, weighing her words carefully. “I don’t know what it’s like either,” she says.

“‘Course not,” Asuka says. “You’re a clone.” There’s something different in the way she says it, something in her voice that normally isn’t there. She might even hear it herself, since she turns away from Rei and stares out the shattered glass window. “Never mind what I said. It’s stupid anyway.”

“Why do you keep saying that?”

There are a million reasons Asuka can give, and all of them would be true. That everything really is stupid, especially after Third Impact, or that being a child was hardly a priority when there were Angels coming to destroy the earth. But she turns back to Rei, a wistful smile on her lips. “It’s easier to say things are stupid,” she mutters, the words sour in her mouth, “than to think about them; than to think about what you’ve missed.”

* * *

A few days later, Asuka climbs into bed and notices Rei isn’t in hers. The sun has fled and crammed the sky with stars, drawing Rei out from under the safe canopy of their shelter to stare up into nothing. It’s Rei being Rei, but the longer she stands looking up the more Asuka wonders what’s occupying her for so long. It can’t be what she thinks it is; the Mass Production EVAs are all lying petrified throughout the city, but what if one had come back? If one really has come back it’ll be the tallest thing in the city, and when it comes for her a box cutter won’t be any use against something even Third Impact couldn’t kill. Her hands shake; she didn’t realize when her nails started biting into her palms, and her attempt to calm herself only digs them in further.

“Asuka?” Rei looks so small standing atop a concrete pile that’s twice as tall as she is, with the backdrop of the mountains behind her. Asuka comes out to the front of the shelter, looking where Rei is looking and seeing nothing. There is no MPE, just open sky. Behind her, Rei speaks again. “The stars are falling, Asuka.”

“Don’t be stupid,” she says, even though she’s the one that was worrying. ”It’s just a meteor shower, I bet.”

She thinks Rei frowns, though it’s too dark to see her face; Rei’s shoulders droop, but she makes some gesture that Asuka takes to mean she should join Rei up on the pile. “It’s pretty,” she says. “Come look.”

“I can see fine just here,” grumbles Asuka. Hell, if she made a hole in the roof of the shelter she could probably see it from inside, too. But saying _that_ means that some part of her does want to see the meteors blazing through the atmosphere, and that’s not something she wants to do either. What she wants is to go to sleep, but for some reason knowing that Rei is outside on a rusted pile of debris keeps her from finding that comfortable position in which sleep will come to her.

Rei is lying on the pile with her hands folded behind her head, supporting her neck. Asuka climbs up and sits next to her, expecting Rei to say something, but all she gets is what could be a contented hum. It reminds Asuka of the time after they defeated the Ninth Angel, only Shinji isn’t here and the city they had been tasked with protecting lies in ruins. She wonders what Rei thinks now, watching meteors streak across the sky with innocent curiosity despite the remains of Instrumentality surrounding her. She is right, though Asuka will never admit it to Rei and can barely admit it to herself; there’s something calming about meteors tracking bright lines in the sky, burning their paths into her eyes before disappearing. It wouldn’t hurt her to lay back against the concrete and watch them go by for a while, and when she does she can see them zipping in every direction and wonders if that was how it looked after Third Impact, with a million souls falling out of the sky to land in the sea.

Asuka is so quiet that Rei forgets she has a companion lying next to her until she shifts her hand and it bumps into Asuka’s. Asuka doesn’t snap at her or even look at her- she’s fallen asleep, her eyes shut but gently stirring under her eyelids, as if even in her sleep she wants to keep watching the stars. But she trembles as she breathes; Rei notices she’s left her jacket back in the shelter, and their breath has begun to form little white clouds in front of them.

Getting Asuka onto the flat plane of her A.T. Field won’t be much of a challenge- Rei just needs to project it under Asuka rather than in front of herself, but she must do this without crushing the pile they’re standing on or waking Asuka up. She’s also never _used_ her A.T. Field before, and the very thought of it warms her skin with nervous anticipation. There are some things, she thinks, that can’t be practiced, that just have to be done. Asuka might agree with that.

The street lights up five different shades of color, red at its darkest and gold at the lightest, accompanied by a low buzzing sound. Asuka sighs and rolls over in her sleep, curling up slightly on the A.T. Field. There’s a pause in her breath; Rei wonders if she’s waking, but Asuka sighs again, this time sounding faintly disappointed. What she won’t know is the reason for that pause, for that sigh; in the morning Asuka won’t remember that in her sleep her body had betrayed her, forgoing air to listen for what she thought was Rei humming again.

Rei carries Asuka the short distance down the street and into the shelter, where her A.T. Field promptly fractures and crumbles into several separate pieces, depositing Asuka on her bed. She fights back the sudden wave of exhaustion that overtakes her long enough to pull the covers over Asuka’s shoulders. Then she staggers back, collapsing onto her own bed, burying her face into the softness of her pillow. She doesn’t speak; there’s no need to and she’s far too tired, but she can hear Asuka’s voice clearly in her mind, an echo of what Asuka would say had their places been reversed. “The shit I do for you,” it says.

Rei smiles and closes her eyes.

* * *

They’re walking down some street- the sign’s been torn off and lost, so Asuka knows it as _two blocks down, left turn-_ when she stops. Rei keeps going for several more paces, looking back once she realizes Asuka’s left her side. Asuka is looking back as well, watching something- Rei can’t tell what. She expects she’ll have to ask Asuka what it is, to give her attention in order to get a reply.

“There’s a breeze,” Asuka says, and kicks at the empty candy wrapper tumbling past her feet. “First damn wind we’ve had since Third Impact.”

“Then the world is returning back to normal.” Rei looks up at the sky, still cloudless, and frowns. One bit at a time, she thinks. First the breezes will return, and then perhaps the people. The world will pull itself together piece by piece, just like Asuka is.

“Finally.” Asuka walks by, feet scuffing the pavement. Rei has to jog to catch up to her and even then she keeps falling behind, as Asuka’s strides are too long and fast to match.

“Does it bother you?” Rei asks.

Asuka pauses in the middle of an intersection, spinning left and right before heading back in the direction of the shelter. “It’s just stupid.”

“Is that your reasoning for everything?” Rei considers throwing her A.T. Field to block the end of the street and make her stop and talk, but knowing Asuka she’d tear right through it even without Unit-02 to help her. “Is everything stupid to you?”

“Yes.”

Asuka hasn’t broken into a run yet, but Rei can see that she wants to in the way she leans forward, keeping her arms close to her sides. Rei walks faster, for what little good it does her. “Why don’t you ever open up?”

Asuka spins around so quickly that Rei nearly runs into her. They’re nearly the same height; they can meet each other’s eyes with little effort, but it feels like Asuka towers over her in that moment. “Look Wonder Girl,” she hisses. “I never _had_ anyone to open up to. I never wanted to. And don’t you get started on that now. If you wanna play counselor for someone, go find Shinji. You said he’s wandering around somewhere, didn’t you? I’m sure whoever’s with him will appreciate having someone else he can bother.”

She turns on her heel and walks off, shoulders squared. From behind she looks like the old Asuka- poised, confident, without the seemingly permanent shadows that linger beneath her eyes and the haggard look of someone who’s survived far too much. She looks like the Asuka who could’ve conquered the world, rather than let it conquer her.

Rei doesn’t say anything. Even if she did, Asuka’s well out of earshot. She sighs and shakes her head, following Asuka back to the shelter, though not without a quick look in the direction of the sea.

Lilith has disappeared beneath the waves at last. What remains of her is sinking to rest at the bottom of the ocean; above where she floated there now gathers a cluster of black clouds, lingering on the horizon, a temporary headstone marking the place of Lilith’s grave.

* * *

The clouds that Rei saw roll in that night, blanketing the city from the sea to the mountains. They are, Rei thinks, ambiguously grey- it could rain, or it could not. If it does rain, it will come through the front of the shelter and soak everything through. Moving out for the night might be a good idea, and so Rei turns to suggest this to Asuka.

Rei speaks, but her words never reach Asuka. Asuka is standing in the entryway looking up at the clouds, the rest of the world a silent portrait that means nothing to her at the moment. She sees clouds; the last time she saw clouds it rained blood, but the red streak that Lilith left in the sky is gone, so it couldn’t possibly rain blood, right? But what if the blood on the ground evaporated, she thinks, and it happens again?

Her heart pounds in her ears; her breaths come in short ragged gasps that don’t allow her enough air into her lungs. Rei is next to her, pulling at her arm and saying something, but none of this registers. If it rains blood the Mass Production EVAs will come back, and if that happens they will come for her. Even with Shinji and Rei in the world they will come for her, like they did the first time. Her mouth is moving and words are leaving her in a jumbled, unending stream. She hears them; they mean nothing. Rei hears them too and she frowns, tugging harder at Asuka. Maybe she knows something that Asuka doesn’t. Maybe she knows they’re coming, and wants to hide.

“Where are they?” Asuka babbles, unable to look away from the entrance to the shelter. “They’re dead. They’re dead, right? Are they coming? Where are they?”

“It’s alright, Asuka.” It’s taken her several minutes just to pull Asuka back into the shelter and settle her down, and now Asuka keeps trying to leave her bed, to wander back under the clouds and stand there, shaking. Her voice cuts smoothly through the stream of Asuka’s rambling, but even then she isn’t sure if Asuka can hear her. Probably not; if her senses are so confused that she can’t smell the absence of iron in the air, then Asuka probably can’t make sense of what Rei is saying, either. Rei wonders if Asuka even knows that she’s talking, herself.

“They’re dead,” whispers Asuka. “They can’t come back if they’re dead. But I did. Can they? Are they dead?”

“They’re dead,” says Rei. “But if they come back, I’ll stop them.”

Something in that sentence must’ve reached Asuka; she looks up, eyes skittering frantically across Rei’s face. “They were built to kill Angels,” Asuka says, grabbing at Rei’s shoulder. “Don’t.”

Rei doesn’t know how the MPEs kill- with their teeth, and only their teeth. The Angel that killed Rei Ayanami was merciful, in that it at least let her self destruct. Asuka clings to Rei’s arm, shaking her head. Rei says the MPEs are dead, but what if they aren’t? If they come for her, they’ll come for Rei, unless Asuka can draw them far enough away that they won’t be a threat to her. “I need to go.”

“You don’t,” Rei says. Asuka’s still sitting, so maybe she’s listening; more likely fear has frozen her and she’s forgotten how to make herself stand. “Nothing is going to happen.”

“Don’t.” Asuka repeats. Her voice breaks over the word. She doesn’t want to see them descend on Rei and carry her off in pieces. “They’ll kill you.”

“They won’t.” Rei sounds confident, like the time before when she had led them through NERV’s tunnels. Asuka wants to believe her, to believe everything will be alright. But she can’t, no matter what, so she stays silent. Rei’s fingers wrap gently around her wrist, loosening Asuka’s grip on her arm so she can lay her down on the bed. She doesn’t say anything, not until Rei has crossed the room again to look up at the dark canopy of clouds.

“The roof leaks,” Asuka mumbles unconsciously. Outside the wind stirs the clouds into a billowing mound, and in the distance there is a ripple of sound that could be anything- the city, thunder, or an MPE.

“If it rains, I’ll use my A.T. Field and keep it out.”

“That’s stupid.” Asuka turns slightly, feeling the soft padding of her pillow beneath her cheek. She tugs it in closer to her, feeling her breath rebound off it, making her unbearably warm. Her arms tighten and pull it to her chest, where it can conceal the frantic beating of her heart. The MPEs won’t take it, she thinks, if they can’t find it. “You’re stupid.”

She means herself, but Rei turns her head, surveying Asuka with calm eyes. Surely Asuka will hear whatever she says if she says anything in reply, but it doesn’t seem to matter at the moment. “Maybe I am,” Rei says, and looks back up at the sky, where what could be a collection of thunderheads has settled over the peaks of the surrounding mountains like a crown.

* * *

The street is dry and covered with litter that the previous night’s wind has swept up. Some clouds linger overhead, the same silvery-grey as the metal of a progressive knife. Asuka stands on the edge of the sidewalk between a shop and another apartment building, watching them pass overhead.

No Mass Production EVAs had come last night, nor had it rained. She’d worried for nothing, Asuka thinks, and she’s never done that before. Her fears have always been what’s in front of her, not dogging her like a shadow. And now she’s acting even stranger, acting like Rei, being distracted by the simplest of things like clouds moving across the sun. Maybe that’s why Rei does this so often; if it can stem her flow of worries for even a short time, then Asuka can see the appeal.

“Asuka?” Rei waves at her from across the street, carefully climbing out from the ruins of a collapsed building. “Did you find anything?”

“Nothing,” Asuka replies. “Just junk.” Rei nods and stops halfway in the middle of the street, balancing a coffee can on the tips of her fingers. “Another one?”

“I only need one more after this one, and then I’ll have another level.” She’s talking about that pyramid of hers, made entirely of coffee cans; it grows when Asuka’s not looking, standing six levels high now. Soon it’ll be seven.

“Should we head back?”

“If you want.”

Rei’s more occupied with the can than anything else. The little things, Asuka thinks. “Fine then,” she says. “Let’s go.”

They’re halfway back when Rei pauses, turning the can over in her hands. “Do you remember the time after we defeated the Tenth Angel?”

“Which one was that?” Asuka asks. They’ve blurred together in her mind, a tangle of the senses; the Tenth could be the one where she nearly burned alive in magma, or maybe the one which dripped acid. The only one whose number she knows for certain is the Fifteenth, since that one hadn’t hurt her body- only her mind.

“The one that tried to crush us all,” says Rei. “Sahaquiel.”

“Oh.” Yes, she does remember that one. It was a stupid plan. “What about it?”

“Misato said she’d buy us dinner if we killed it. You suggested ramen, since I don’t eat meat.”

“Yeah, so?”

Rei shrugs, looking down at the can cradled between her palms. “I just remembered, that’s all,” she says. “Thank you.”

Asuka rolls her eyes, kicking at a pebble in her path. What a silly thing to remember, she thinks. But it’s Rei, from whom this kind of behavior can be expected. “You’re welcome, I guess,” she mutters, and the corners of Rei’s mouth turn up in a smile. It’s the kind that lights up her eyes like the sun, even though the clouds have covered it.

* * *

Asuka has lost herself, or at least she wants to believe she has, among the grey heaps of destroyed buildings and twisted metal. She wanders, surveying the earth but taking nothing back with her. Rei’s still dutifully maintaining her collection of coffee cans, an explanation for which has not yet been given, and that Asuka thinks she’ll never receive.

The top of Rei’s head is visible a few yards away, the unmistakable blue of her hair standing out between broken steel struts and toppled shelves. They’re in the ruins of a convenience store; Rei patiently works her way through every inch of the place while Asuka sits on a portion of a staircase that’s tumbled down and now stands lopsidedly in one of the aisles. Asuka dangles her feet over the edge, eyeing the ten foot drop before her. She could make it down, she thinks, if it weren’t for the jagged bits of stone sticking out every few inches.

Rei is standing now, examining what looks like a small box that she holds in her hands. Asuka can’t tell what it is at a distance; maybe it’s powdered coffee or something equally odd. With Rei, she can never tell.

Asuka shrugs and goes back to banging her legs against the edge of the stairwell. It’s been hot ever since the clouds moved on; she’s traded her jacket and jeans for a t-shirt and cutoff shorts, and the concrete scrapes the backs of her calves. A small collection of bruises and scratches have collected on her arms, the results of careless rummaging through debris and one too many falls. It makes her look tough, Asuka thinks, more like what a battle-worn pilot should look like, only no one is around to see her now except Rei.

Rei appears soundlessly at Asuka’s side, still holding the box from before. Asuka pats the space next to her without looking, inviting her to sit. Rei sinks down, not sitting but kneeling, dipping her fingers into the box. Her slender fingers have wrapped around Asuka’s arm before Asuka realizes Rei is touching her.

“The hell, Ayanami?!” Asuka jerks back, arms pinwheeling through the air as she struggles to regain her balance. She sees the Band-aid pinched between Rei’s fingers fall and flutter down the steps. Rei reaches for her, grabbing a fistful of her shirt and pulling her back.

They collapse on the top stair, pausing for a moment to catch their breath. It’s Rei who moves first, retreating down a step and taking Asuka away from the edge with her. “The hell,” Asuka repeats, watching Rei pull another Band-aid apart. Their eyes meet; Rei looks down at the scratches on Asuka’s arm, some of which are still open.

“I don’t need that.” Her voice sounds level even though her heart, the traitor that it is, is beating faster than she cares to admit. “Third Impact wiped out all life, didn’t it? Doesn’t that include bacteria or some shit? Why are you trying to put those on me, anyway?” Asuka snaps. She flings out an arm, not to slap Rei but to point at the little red lines criss-crossing on her skin, especially her hands. “You look even worse than I do!”

“I’m an Angel.” There’s something odd to her voice, a strain that Asuka’s never heard before, but it’s gone when she adds, quietly, “I heal quickly.”

“That’s no excuse to _baby_ me.” Asuka thinks Rei might have recoiled at the sudden booming of her voice; the thought gives her strength. She stands and points an accusing finger at the box of Band-aids. “You think those are going to do anything?! Look around, Wonder Girl. If you could fix the world with those we would have done it already. If I wanted your help, I would have asked for it!”

Her words ring over the city long after she’s stopped speaking. Rei stares up at Asuka, and for once Asuka can easily read the emotion on her face. The hurt she sees stings more than any injury she’s gotten since she washed up on the beach. Before she can say anything else or even begin to wonder why this is so, Rei hops off the staircase; Asuka hears her land, and her mind offers her the image of Rei crumpled on a heap of rebar and concrete, eyes wide with pain and the breath knocked from her. Her arms splayed wide on either side of her body, one or both at odd angles, like a marionette with cut strings; just another bit of debris strewn around a city covered in it. Then orange light shines from below, and Rei jumps off from the A.T. Field that had spread under her. She doesn’t run, but walks as quickly as her feet can carry her; by the time Asuka’s descended the stairs she’s already halfway down the street.

“Ayanami!” Asuka stumbles after her, wondering if Rei can even hear her. She’s done it this time, she thinks; Rei will leave her to her shelter with its empty second bed, and that will be it. “Ayanami, I’m sorry.”

The First Child stops dead in the middle of the road and turns, her red eyes flashing. She looks as though she might begin yelling, but when she speaks all that leaves her is a quiet, “Are you?”

If she says yes Rei might not believe her, Asuka thinks; if she says no it’ll be a lie. She stays silent, following Rei back to the shelter, where they both climb onto their beds. Rei picks up her book; Asuka watches her read it, turning the pages with more force than she needs to. It’s the most human Asuka’s ever seen her. It’s also the most distant.

* * *

Rei doesn’t leave, but for the next few days she wakes well before Asuka does and doesn’t return until dark. She lives in the shelter, but her presence no longer fills it like before; the quiet calm that Asuka’s grown used to vanishes along with Rei, and only now that it’s gone does Asuka notice it was ever there at all. When Rei happens to return and Asuka is awake, the stillness from the city comes under the roof, filling the silences until one or both of them retire for the night. But when Rei is the first to go to sleep she moves about the shelter like a ghost, putting her book in its proper place and pulling the covers over her until they rest just below the curve of her chin, the motions so mechanical that if Asuka chose to she could believe she was back before Third Impact, living with the version of Rei Ayanami she had so adamantly called a doll.

On the fourth day the quiet takes its toll on Asuka’s mind, and she can no longer contain the question that’s been nagging at her, of why Rei is still staying with her. She doesn’t want to bring it up and Rei isn’t speaking to her, so she supposes they’ll avoid the subject until one of them breaks- it seems outrageous to think that they will live out the rest of their lives ignoring each other.

She’s been returning to the shelter earlier and earlier, perhaps hoping to catch Rei there, as unlikely as it seems. Asuka walks in and finds herself disappointed, but there are signs that maybe Rei’s come and gone. The coffee can pyramid that Rei’s so meticulously maintained stands with a large portion of it knocked over, the loose cans strewn under the beds and against the walls. It might have been the wind that did this, Asuka thinks, or it might not.

“Hey, Wonder Girl,” Asuka says, and her voice bounces around the hollow space. She turns, grinding her teeth; how she could have forgotten that Rei was no longer there astounds her. She can’t ask Rei what happened to the cans or if there’s any specific order to them, but she kneels and gathers them all carefully, trying to hold them like how she’s seen Rei do it.

When the cans are all stacked back in place and there’s nothing more to do, Asuka keeps walking circles around the shelter. She edges around the beds and tries not to pay too much attention to the street outside; with her feet she nudges the coins on the ground back under her bed, as if putting things back the way they were will bring Rei back as well.

There’s still at least three hours until sundown. Rei might be making her way back by now, unless this is the day she’s decided to leave. Asuka could go look for her, but the odds of finding her are slim and she’d only get herself lost. Rei is the navigator of their pair; Asuka wants to claim that she is the fighter, but all she has is a dull, rusty box cutter while Rei has an A.T. Field. Rei doesn’t need her, Asuka realizes. She’s built the roof over the shelter and that’s all she’s done; Rei is the one who found her, the one who’s done the most. She’s only tried to help, and Asuka chased her off.

Asuka’s foot connects with the wooden leg of her bed, and she staggers. When she looks up, she sees clouds the same pale white as Rei’s skin. She doesn’t miss Rei, she’s not that sentimental, but that doesn’t explain away the tightening of her throat or the wistful sigh that leaves it.

There’s still time. If Rei returns that night, there’s a chance that Asuka can apologize. But Rei won’t believe just a simple apology, and Asuka won’t insult herself by offering one. Rei will need to know that Asuka is genuine, and then- the part that makes Asuka’s stomach clench nervously- _maybe_ Rei will forgive her.

Asuka steps out of the shelter, swiveling in place. There are nothing but apartment buildings and tiny shops for several blocks around. There’s no obvious place for Asuka to start, other than _somewhere_. She leaves the shelter behind her, picking through the rubble until the different shades of grey become one large mass indistinguishable from its portions, and the skin on her hands is scraped raw from digging.

It’s late when Asuka makes her way back under the light of the moon. She struggles against the drooping of her eyelids and the fatigue that had built in her legs as she knelt, that threatens to make her collapse in the middle of the street. She fights it, clasping her arms tightly around her body to keep herself warm, but also to make sure that the small object she’s spent so much time looking for won’t slip from her numb fingers and be lost in the darkness.

Rei is asleep, and she looks to have been for a while now. The covers have slipped down to her shoulders and one arm lies exposed to the cold air, though she doesn’t tremble. Maybe Angels don’t feel cold, Asuka thinks, but then Rei wouldn’t need a blanket at all. She uncurls one of her fists and flexes it to make sure it works before moving the sheets out from under Rei’s arm and placing them over her. “Hey, Ayanami,” she whispers. The words grate against her throat, unwieldy and rough. Keeping silent for so long has taken its toll on her. “I’m sorry.”

She thinks Rei may have opened her eyes, but it’s dark and Asuka is tired. Her hands shake as she leans over, placing the object on Rei’s pillow. Maybe Rei will see it when she wakes, Asuka thinks, and if not forgive her, then take it with her.

Asuka remembers climbing into bed, and nothing more. When she’s woken by a dream, the details of which are shadowy but send her into a sweat at the memory of them, her bed is far too warm. The covers that she hasn’t kicked off are tucked around her shoulders, but when she looks at Rei she hasn’t moved; the book still lies next to her head, and the sheets around her rise and fall with the steady pace of her breathing.

* * *

It’s still dark when Asuka opens her eyes again. It’s not clear how long she’s slept but maybe, she thinks, if she can stay awake she can catch Rei before she leaves the shelter that morning. Asuka sits up, brushing away the hair that's fallen over her face in her sleep, and looks at Rei's bed.

The covers lay in a heap by the foot of the bed, not neatly arranged like Rei's always done when she leaves for the day. The book on her pillow is gone, as is Rei. Asuka rises, and as she walks over to Rei's bed she hardly feels the rough concrete against her feet, for everything has suddenly become numb.

"...Rei?" Asuka's fingers brush the sheets tentatively; she looks out into the city, her legs carrying her forward in a drunken stumble. Rei must be outside the shelter, perhaps a little ways down the road; no matter that the sheets on her bed were cold. She has to be out there where Asuka can find her. The alternative is that Rei has left her for good, and despite the notion in Asuka's mind that this is always what she's wanted, to be left alone, Rei's absence feels _abnormal_.

Asuka steps onto the asphalt, her head turning in a slow-half circle. As much as she hopes to see Rei, something in her tells her not to expect anything, so when she catches a glimpse of blue amidst the grey her heart leaps inexplicably.

Rei looks down at Asuka from the pile from before, the one where they'd sat and watched the meteors. She's holding the book, Asuka notes, which Rei sets down on her lap when she notices Asuka. "I thought I heard something."

"I thought you left." Asuka tries to keep her voice level but she hears it shaking, and so must Rei, since she tilts her head to the side. Her mouth suddenly dry, Asuka tries to keep talking, so Rei won't break the silence with one of her odd observations. "Your bed wasn't made."

"I woke up and I couldn't go back to sleep," Rei says. "So I came out here to watch the sunrise." It's such a very Rei answer that Asuka finds herself nodding, like she'd expected nothing else. Then Rei's brows furrow, and she frowns at Asuka. "This was on my bed. Why?" 

Asuka shuffles her feet and swallows a lump in her throat. "I... I'm sorry. For how I've been."

"So you got me a book."

"I, well..." Asuka sighs and looks at the book, which is smaller than the other one Rei has. Rei will probably finish it in a day or two at most. It's a stupid attempt at an apology now that Asuka thinks about it, and what little hope had kindled in her chest when Rei spoke to her begins to dwindle. "Yeah. I'm sorry."

Rei touches the book as if to make sure it's still there, that it's real. "It's good," she says, smiling gently at Asuka. Asuka twitches, lifting her head with a slight motion to see Rei patting a spot next to her on the concrete slab. "Come up here? It's pretty."

Asuka finds herself nodding her head and starting up the pile, the small rocks in the rubble digging into the scrapes on her hands. She grits her teeth and pulls herself up, only pausing once, when Rei reaches down to grasp her wrist and help her the rest of the way.

The sun is rising over the sea, carving a streak of orange through the red waters. Asuka looks from it to Rei, opening her mouth to ask a question, but Rei nudges her with an elbow and motions to the horizon. It looks strange without Lilith's head lying there gaping up at the sky, but in its absence Asuka can see the waves, and somewhere on the beach Shinji must be getting up with his Angel beside him, facing yet another day. 

There's a soft sigh at Asuka's side. A second later Rei is slumping against her, the book falling out of her lap and bouncing down the pile. Rei's breathing is soft, quieter than the whisper of the morning wind, and she rests her hand on Asuka's shoulder with an urgency that doesn't seem to be present, like she's only trying to get Asuka's attention. Asuka's been with her long enough to know this is wrong, though, that the pace of Rei's breathing is too slow to be normal. "Rei?"

"Can you... help me back?" Rei asks. Her voice is soft too; it sounds like at any moment it could fade completely from existence.

"Yeah. Hang on." Asuka stands, pulling Rei up with her. Rei leans into her, and Asuka thinks the other girl might be shaking, but she can't think about it; she doesn't want to. They travel slowly across the street while the sun continues its ascent, Asuka unable to look at Rei for fear that if she does she will find that Rei's eyes have closed or the motion of her chest has stopped, and though she has planned for everything from meeting Shinji to Rei leaving she has no contingency for this.

Asuka sets Rei down in her bed and collapses against the nearest solid object, the wall. She thinks Rei might have thanked her before she curled in on herself and fell asleep, but her voice was so soft that it could've just been Asuka's imagination. What isn't her imagination is the paleness of Rei's skin, the same white as the sand on the beach, and the quiet gasping of her breath.

They've forgotten the book outside, Asuka realizes, but she can't bring herself to leave behind the support of the wall. Nor does she want to leave Rei, who seems like she could just as easily slip away while her back is turned. Asuka sighs and sinks down the wall, her legs finally failing her and giving way. She scoots closer to Rei's bed, running a hand along the edge of the mattress. Her fingers brush against Rei's, and though Asuka thinks nothing of it she hears something from above her head, a murmuring. Rei's hand shifts, covering Asuka's,clinging to it with what little force she can muster. Asuka turns her hand palm-up, resting her thumb on Rei's knuckles and laying her head against the mattress. "Hang on," Asuka hears herself say. Rei will not hear her, but it seems essential that she says this. To stay silent is Rei's job, and it is not a role that Asuka is willing to undertake, nor willing to replace.


	3. Part 3

Asuka doesn't wake back up until somewhere around noon. Rei finally opens her eyes a few hours after that, and the sound of her yawn reaches up through the roof to where Asuka sits, shifting the wooden planks around to keep the sun away from Rei's face. Asuka looks down with a quiet sigh, telling herself it's any one of a number of things; the skittering of litter on the street or the passing wind. But her eyes lock with Rei's, and a moment later Asuka has dropped the plank in her hands and is scrambling back into the shelter, a tangle of arms and legs.

"Rei!" Asuka grabs her by the shoulders, pushing her back against the headboard. "Don't- I- _You!_ You can't just- forgive me and then fucking faint like that, Ayanami!" The words spill out in a rush, one so sudden that Asuka almost fails to catch herself before she says something embarrassing, and admits that she had been worried.

"I'm sorry," Rei says, patting Asuka's arm. "I was just tired."

"Tired? You're an Angel! Angels don't get tired, do they?"

"It's... more complicated than that."

"Well, I'm not doing anything right now." Asuka sits back, arms folded across her chest. On her face is the stubborn look that Rei knows means protesting won't do anything, but it's mellowed, as though in the hours that Rei was asleep Asuka underwent some trial that she refuses to speak of, yet wears on her face like a mask. 

"You won't like it."

"Try me."

Rei sighs and adjusts her pillow behind her back, using it to support herself against the headboard. "It's because I've been helping you," she says. She sees Asuka's eyebrows rise in confusion and holds up a hand. "You haven't been eating."

"I didn't have to." Asuka's voice rises and falls with confusion. Out of what must be instinct, for Asuka won’t let it be anything else, she reaches for Rei's hand and lowers it back down to the sheets, staring warily at her. "I've never had to, not since Third Impact."

"That's because Lilith's power was sustaining you," Rei says. It's clear Asuka still isn't getting it, so she goes on. Lilith's power, Rei explains, had seeped into the sea and dispersed through it, and those who came out of it would be able to live without needing to eat for a while. "You could survive longer if you could find another Angel to share their power, but it'll take energy from the Angel."

"So that's what happened? You... fed me?"

"Not exactly. Lilith's power was already gone from you when you left the beach. I've been... helping you ever since."

"Then why did you faint?" The strain in Asuka's voice is real this time, and not some imagining of Rei's. She pauses to study Asuka's face; the emotions dancing across it, and those eyes that can't seem to leave hers.

"If an Angel uses too much of their energy doing this, they'll die."

Asuka sits back, her hand leaving Rei's as she tucks her knees securely under her and seems to stare into nothing for quite some time. Asuka's confusion has been replaced, not by fear but by something more guttural than that. She looks, Rei thinks, like Shinji did when he first saw Lilith.

"So..." Asuka's mouth works in silence for a long moment. "The Angel with Shinji," she says at last. "That's what he's doing."

"Yes."

"Then why are you helping me?!" Asuka explodes, slamming her palms on Rei's mattress. "You went to him first, didn't you? So why did you come to me? I could've figured it out; I would've been fine! I didn't even like you! Why would you help _me_?"

"Because I want you to live as much as you do."

A silence follows this statement, one that stretches on far too long to be comfortable. Asuka gets up, the mattress creaking under her, and grabs the top can from Rei's pyramid. It feels heavy rolling between her fingers, far too heavy to be just a can of coffee. She holds it out to Rei, who shakes her head. "I'm still an Angel," she says. "I don't need food like you do."

"Take it," Asuka says. She doesn't say anything else, but in those two words is a silent plea, and her eyes say the rest for her. That if Rei takes the can everything between them will be alright, whether Rei drinks it or not, and at the very least it is an apology, this one for a fault Asuka didn't realize she was guilty of.

Rei's hands wrap slowly around the cylinder. When she pulls it back toward her Asuka sighs, releasing a breath she didn't know she was holding, and smiles. "Okay," she says. "I'm going to find some food. Don't do anything stupid, got it?"

"Alright," Rei says. "Do you have my book?"

"Hold on." Asuka jogs out of the shelter and back to the pile, sifting through the debris with her hands. A thin layer of dust has settled over the blue cover, but she picks it out easily and pats it off. The paper is warm from soaking in the light of the sun; maybe, Asuka thinks, holding it will do Rei some good. She brings it back, passing it carefully to Rei, like the warmth she carries with it is a tangible object that can be dropped and lost. "Don't strain yourself."

It's a silly thing to be said, Rei thinks, especially from Asuka, who looks like she's been doing nothing but that. She nods compliantly, flipping the book to the page she was reading and continuing like nothing had happened. But a blush has risen on her cheeks, made obvious by the still-sickly paleness of her skin, and Asuka wants to believe it’s because of the warmth. Asuka sighs one last time, runs a hand through her hair, and walks out of the shelter in the direction of the nearest convenience store.

She's made it a few yards away when there's a noise behind her, one she hasn't heard in many months. It’s familiar, like scraping, but Asuka can’t place it. She forgets it after a while, and only recalls it when she’s crouched between the remains of a convenience store and a fallen stoplight, a bag of chips in one hand and a coffee can in the other. The ruins echo with the sound of laughter; how lost her senses must be, Asuka thinks, if after all this time she’s forgotten what the opening of a can sounds like.

* * *

Asuka had said she would get _food_ , but she walks back into the shelter, the setting sun at her back, holding water bottles and bags of snacks in her hands. Rei looks up upon her arrival, blinking questioningly at Asuka. "What?" Asuka snaps. "We don't have electricity or water to spare, so... I got these!"

"You can't eat those forever," says Rei.

"I know I can't! It's just until we find something more... permanent." She weighs a package of dried squid in her hand, feeling the plastic crinkle against her fingertips. "I also figured I should start small, since I haven't eaten anything in a while. You want some?"

"I'm fine, thank you." Rei smiles, returning to her book. She looks further towards the beginning than when Asuka had left earlier; this must be her second or third read-through.

"You sure? I don't want you fainting on me again."

"I'll be alright." Rei looks up between pages, watching Asuka lay the food next to the coffee cans. "Asuka? There's something we need to talk about."

"You're not going to tell me more Angels are coming, are you?"

Rei laughs, a short, sweet sound that rings off the walls and fades far too soon. "No, that's not it," she says. "It's about... well, leaving the city. We can't stay in this place forever, and if you're going to start eating again you'll want to grow your own food. I've been thinking about it a little, and planning for it." She reaches for her pillow and flips it over, spilling a collection of small packets across the covers. Asuka looks at the one that landed closest to her. The text is blotted and barely legible, but the picture of a carrot that accompanies it is unmistakable.

"Seeds." Asuka stares in wonder at the packets strewn across the bed; there must be ten or maybe more, their colorful packaging standing out sharply against the grey and white surroundings. "There weren't any of these in the buildings we visited. Where did you get them from?"

"I went looking for them when we weren't speaking," Rei says, and Asuka's stomach lurches at the unpleasant memory. "I tried to get as many as I could in case you needed them."

Asuka picks a packet up, feeling through the plastic with her fingers. It's covered with dirt, but she's certain what she feels beneath her fingertips are the outlines of seeds, fellow survivors of Third Impact. "You... so that's why you always came back late. How far did you have to go to get these?!" she asks, her voice high but strong. "I treated you like shit! Why would you do this for me?"

"In case I... in case something happened." Rei looks away, shoveling the seeds back into the safety of the pillowcase. "You'd need a way to keep going." Asuka expects Rei to say something else, but the other girl remains silent. She reaches across the bed to take the last packet from Asuka; their fingers brush, and an inexplicable tremor works its way up through Asuka from her feet. 

"We, uh. We'll need a place to stay when we move," Asuka says. Rei nods, still not meeting her eyes. She places the pillow with the seeds facing down into the bed and grabs her book, flipping to the page she'd left it at.

"Don't worry. I'll take care of it."

"Are you sure? I mean... you _fainted_."

"I'm sure," Rei says. She smiles, her teeth catching the last rays of light coming from the horizon. "Are you going to sleep?"

She could go to sleep, Asuka thinks, even though it's not yet dark and probably won't be for at least another half an hour. It's hard to imagine that only just that morning Rei had collapsed against her on the pile outside. It seems to Asuka that the hours between that and her waking had never existed. "I think I will," Asuka says, and walks over to her side of the room, climbing into bed.

Asuka rests her head against her pillow with a happy sigh. Across the room she hears Rei turning a page. It seems odd, Asuka thinks, that in the span of one day she's become concerned with keeping Rei Ayanami alive, when months ago she hadn't batted an eye upon hearing the old Rei had died.

* * *

Aside from the seeds and the food, there are things that need to be packed. Asuka stares at the heap of folded clothing in front of her, which she now realizes contains far too many shirts and not enough socks. It's the consequence of having an actual wardrobe to choose from, she thinks, looking over at Rei's pile which consists solely of white button-down t-shirts and shorts. It must be nice to not be bothered by the cold. Yes, they'll be able to take Rei's things along, unless there's something other than clothes she wants.

"Hey, Ayanami." Asuka indicates Rei's corner with a sweep of her hand. "Is that all you're bringing?"

"And my books," Rei says.

"Oh. Good." When she'd planned this conversation in her mind it was so much easier, Asuka thinks, but she won't let that unnerve her. She's made it through Third Impact; a simple talk should be nothing. "I have an idea." When Rei says nothing, only looking up from her book and nodding, Asuka goes on. "We could use the bed sheets to carry things. Tie the corners together and use them like sacks. We could fit the pillows and the clothes and most of the food that way."

Rei nods again, her eyes drifting to the corner where she's laid out her belongings. Asuka follows the movement of Rei's head with her eyes, like she's waiting for something. A response, Rei thinks; this is what she must learn from Asuka, how to affirm. Asuka is strong and hardy, but she cannot thrive in silence.

"It's a good idea," Rei says. "We shouldn't pack until we're ready, though. I still need to find a place."

"We can still pack the things we don't need right now. The food, the cans-"

"We don't need the cans, if you're not going to drink them."

Asuka pauses in the middle of approaching the pyramid, confused. "Well... If neither of us drink them, why are they here?"

"They were for you," Rei says, as if this was obvious to her and should have been equally obvious to Asuka. "I thought you would like them, since you drank them when you stayed with Misato."

"I thought they were for _you_." Asuka rolls her eyes. Here is the Rei that she knows, who does things without explaining them. It's a comforting notion. "Look, Ayanami. Next time you want me to do something or you need to tell me something, just do it flat-out, okay?"

"I can do that." Rei hops off her bed, unfurling one of the sheets on the ground. "If you're going to pack, you should use my sheets first. You need yours."

"Are you sure?" Asuka asks, but Rei has already dumped her spare book in the center. "Okay, we'll go with that. This one should probably be mostly food, maybe some water so we can spread it evenly... but we'll have to pack that last, since we need to be able to reach it. Clothes... that can wait; is there anything I- hey!"

Rei's arms have wrapped around Asuka from behind, and when she spins around Rei nestles her cheek against Asuka's shoulder. Asuka is a head taller than Rei; it strikes her as odd, that the most powerful being on earth can fit under her chin. And then she is aware that she has lifted her arms around Rei, if not to pull her closer then at least to return the embrace, so that it's not her being held but doing the holding.

Rei is the one to let go. She steps back, quietly humming to herself as she picks up half of her clothing and places it on the sheet, covering her book. That will be all, she thinks, and the rest of the space in that bundle can be Asuka's. She turns to tell Asuka this, but Asuka is already at her side.

"Here," Asuka says. Rei sees she is holding coffee cans, one in each hand, and thinks maybe Asuka wants them to share. Asuka leans down and places them on either side of Rei's clothing, offering Rei a small smile. "For the road."

"Yes," Rei says, and returns Asuka's smile. She thinks it might be the most genuine smile she's ever given anyone.

* * *

It isn't night, nor is it dawn; the streets are lit with the last light of the moon and the first rays of the sun that cascade down the mountains and into the city. There's a hand on Asuka's shoulder shaking her gently, and a voice calling to her. She thinks it could be part of a dream.

"Asuka. Wake up." Asuka opens her eyes. Rei is crouched next to her looking as if she's just gotten up herself; her hair sticks up at the back and there are the ghosts of dark rings around her eyes. "Asuka?"

"Mm." She tries to wave her hand at Rei. It twitches on the pillow, refusing to move. "What?"

"I'm going to find a place to stay," Rei says. Asuka's eyes open fully, shining with confusion. Rei smiles and bobs her head toward the entrance of the shelter. "Maybe by the coast, just outside the city, so I can still see the ocean."

"How long will it take?" Asuka asks. Her voice is faint and she slurs her words together, but her eyes do all the talking. They shine inquisitively at Rei, at the mountains behind her. She wants to know how long she'll be alone, Rei thinks.

"A while, I think. I should be back by nightfall. Maybe a little later."

"Wait. What if something happens?" Asuka's question ends with a yawn, but Rei can see everything she wants to ask. They are the same questions that had nagged at Rei in the time she had been avoiding Asuka. What if she gets lost; what if there are other things out there; what if she can't find her way back?

"It's alright," Rei says. How strange this is, to see Asuka worried about someone who isn't herself. She smoothes the covers around Asuka's hunched shoulders. "I have an A.T. Field, and I know my way around."

"Let me come with you." Asuka's trying to stand. Rei pats her arm gently, and she goes back down.

"You're tired. Just rest. I'll be fine."

"You'd better," Asuka says. It could've be a threat if it hadn't been followed by another yawn. Her hand slips out from under the sheets and reaches for Rei; her fingertips find the top of Rei's head and settle there. Rei lets them linger there for a while, and then reaches up, tucking Asuka's arm by her side.

"I'll be back," she says. "I promise."

Asuka nods and lets her eyelids fall, their weight finally too much for her to fight against. Rei watches her roll, turning her back on the rising sun, and for another moment after that. It will be hard to find a place that meets what Rei has in mind, that isn't too far from the city so they can go back for more supplies, but which overlooks the sea and won't require too much work. A place where they can grow food in the soil. A place that Asuka will like. Rei takes her first steps from the shelter and she can hear Asuka speaking, not from behind her but in her mind. “If Shinji is there, don’t even think about it!” it exclaims, and Rei finds herself nodding. If Shinji is there, she will turn around and keep walking until she finds the perfect place. It might not even exist, but Rei is willing to look for as long as she needs to, even if it means she must keep searching.

She continues hurriedly down the road, her steps ringing all around the ruined buildings. Before her the sun continues to climb over the mountains, piercing the clouds with shafts of orange and gold. It's the kind of sunrise that sets the sky awash with fire, Rei thinks, the kind that Asuka would enjoy.

* * *

As Asuka sits on the slab in front of the shelter, watching the moon rise high to spread its light on the sea, she feels as if she is in a dream, one that started when she woke and is still inexplicably continuing. The only evidence that today was not a dream, Asuka supposes, is that Rei is still gone. The rest of it is clouded with the haze particular to dreams, where the details lie just out of reach. She has gathered food, she has prepared a bundle full of it and placed it next to Rei's, and she has climbed this pile of concrete to sit and wait for Rei.

Rei had said she would be back by nightfall, or perhaps a bit later. Later, apparently, must mean something different to Rei; the sky has been dark for what feels like hours, and she has still not returned.

Asuka turns in place and looks at the bed. She's done this so many times that she's lost count, but she keeps on doing this. Each time she stares, squinting into the darkness to see if the outline of Rei has magically appeared on the bed since the last time she'd looked, but all Asuka finds is the absence of her in the neatly folded sheets and the packed bundle that stands next to Asuka's.

She touches the space beside her, fingers drumming the rough surface. She's slipping. She's worrying about _Ayanami_ , though some small part of herself tells her that it's better to do this while Rei is away, so she won't be caught in the act. As if the act of worrying about someone who isn't herself is something to be ashamed of.

But what else can she do but worry? As much as she hates to admit it she's come to enjoy Rei's silent company, if only for the knowledge it gives her, that she is not alone with Shinji in the world. If Rei doesn’t comes back this knowledge will disappear and be replaced by uncertainty. Asuka's had quite enough of that- she's finally come to know the world, and she doesn't need it changing. If Rei fails to return it will leave her vulnerable to more changes which she is unprepared for. Rei has to come back, she thinks. There can be no alternative.

Midnight becomes morning; the constellations twist in a slow circle around Asuka, like they themselves are searching for any sign of Rei's returning so they can inform her of it. Asuka dozes once: between the closing of her eyes and their reopening, the stars evacuate the sky to make way for the sun. She's fallen asleep sitting up, and now her muscles are all cramped. When she turns to look at the bed her neck seizes, followed by her shoulders, and she topples sideways onto the slab. 

It doesn't hurt- the morning chill has numbed her sense of touch, and she's too tired to notice much more than the sudden feeling of concrete against one side of her face.

Something strokes her cheek- too warm to be the wind, too soft to be gravel. Asuka blinks and wills her eyes to focus. "Asuka," someone says. They sound near and far away all at once. She's slipped back into a dream, Asuka thinks. Then there are footsteps, and Rei walks around the pile of rubble into Asuka's field of vision.

"Ayanami?" Asuka hesitates, blinks. Rei is offering her a hand.

"Did you stay here all night?" Rei asks. Asuka bobs her head, keeps bobbing it as she descends the pile. Rei's hand closes around hers, and she's too tired to pull it free.

"Where were you?" Asuka hears herself mumble. Rei squeezes Asuka's hand and leads her into the shelter, guiding her to the bed.

"Later. When you're not so tired." She waits for Asuka to lay down and pulls the covers over her, feeling a twinge of guilt at the circles beneath her eyes. "Just rest."

Asuka will sleep, but not just yet. She feigns it until she hears Rei leave her side, then opens her eyes. Rei is climbing into bed, forming a little mound under the sheets. Only once Asuka has seen this does she allow herself to sleep. It comes quickly, but in the moments between waking and dreams she thinks she feels something brush against her skin. It could be the wind, or it might not be.

* * *

Asuka will not open her eyes. She lies in bed, awake but pretending to sleep, hoping that the pretense will give way to reality. Her body refuses to comply, and so she waits, watching the granulated darkness on the insides of her eyelids. It's too much to hope, she thinks, that the morning she believes she has lived is not a dream. If she opens her eyes now and finds that Rei isn't there it will sting more than if she had simply woken up and found the shelter empty and horribly lacking.

She will have to get up at some point; at the very least Asuka will need to eat. Already the ache of hunger claws at her stomach, telling her to get food. Asuka rolls onto her side, pressing her arms against her middle. This hunger will hurt far less than opening her eyes, not because of Rei's absence, Asuka reassures herself, but because it will mean her reality can no longer be trusted. But she'll still have to get up, so better to do it now than to lay there, wondering, for some hours more.

Asuka tries to vault from the bed. Her feet slide sluggishly from under the sheets, toes straining to touch some solid surface. When she sits up she leans heavily against her arms, saving all her strength for the simple act of opening her eyes. And when she does this all she does is stare, blinking slowly, letting her eyes adjust to the light and the presence of the person in front of them.

Rei is standing in the middle of the shelter, arms folded across her chest in uncharacteristic impatience, staring up at the ceiling. She turns at the sound of creaking bed springs, that soft smile of hers making its way onto her face. "Asuka."

"What're you doing?" Asuka asks. She walks over to Rei, stumbling more than once on uneasy legs, and squints at the wooden planks.

"I wondered if we could take these with us," Rei says, pointing to the planks near the center, the shorter ones that Asuka had overlaid in a lopsided crossing pattern. "The place I found has a lot of broken windows."

"You mean where you went last night?" asks Asuka. Rei's answer has kindled a fire inside her, and with it the emotions that she has until now successfully kept trapped inside her, where they will not lash out at anyone. "What took you so long?! You said you'd come back-"

"I did-"

"-by _nightfall_! By midnight!" Rei never said that second bit; Asuka realizes it a moment after it leaves her, but to her it's all the same. This time she will stop herself before she admits she worried, that Rei had scared her. That even now she wonders if this isn't Rei at all, but something conjured up by her mind to keep her from panicking. She glares at Rei, demanding an explanation.

"I found somewhere we could stay," Rei says. "But I had to make sure it was safe, and that you could grow things near it. It took a while, but... I think you'll like it." She speaks this last sentence in a whisper, like she is afraid that Asuka will hear it.

"And how far is it?"

"Three or four hours. I didn't keep track," Rei says. "Maybe longer, if we're carrying supplies."

Asuka nods. It's been decided for her; there is no way she can stay here any longer, in this place with its memories that might be dreams and those memories which she knows are not, where Rei is gone. "We're leaving tomorrow," she says. She jabs a finger at the roof. "We'll take as many as we can fit, and if we find nails and a hammer on the way up, we'll take those too. I'll pack the food, you pack the clothes, are there beds there? If there aren't I saw sleeping bags three blocks down-"

Asuka moves throughout the room, pointing at things, speaking. She tells Rei not to forget the seeds. She says something about food and having to come back for more; she says they'll need things to collect water, to which Rei answers there is an abundance of buckets where they're going. They'll sleep with one sheet and their pillow tonight, and in the morning they will go get the sleeping bags, pack those away, and then they will leave. All this is planned out with precise efficiency, with squared shoulders and confidence. Rei, sitting on her bed, finds she can't stop smiling. Here is the Asuka she knows; she is back, Rei thinks, and she hums happily at the thought as she reaches for a sheet, thinking of how to best lay out their clothes.


	4. Part 4

She has declined all of Rei's offers of assistance, not out of pride but practicality. They each have three bundles: one with their bedding and clothes, one with food, and one with whatever else they've wanted to take. Asuka, in what seemed like a stroke of brilliance at the time, told Rei to carry both sleeping bags so she could carry the wooden planks. She would place them, she said, on top of the other two bags, so they wouldn't knock against her back.

This plan worked as long as they were walking on the level streets in Tokyo-3. Now Asuka finds herself climbing yet another hill, the weight of the bundles tugging her backward and a plank digging itself into her spine. She pauses to shift the bundles around again, ignoring Rei's backward glances. She'll be fine, Asuka tells herself, once they reach the top, and the downward slope will give her some room to breathe.

"Asuka?" Rei calls.

"I'm fine," Asuka yells back. "Just tired."

Rei nods, bouncing on the balls of her feet. It could be impatience, or just the incline of the hill. With Rei it's hard to be certain. She looks distracted, like some idea is occupying her attention, taking her to a place other than that hillside. "You know," she says, "I could carry that."

"And how would you do that?" asks Asuka. She asks this out of curiosity; the bags reach up to Rei's thighs, and she has her three. How she would carry more is a mystery to Asuka.

"I could use my A.T. Field," Rei says. "We could balance everything on top of it, and I can walk with it in front of me."

Asuka's face darkens. She hoists the bundles higher onto her back with a swing of her arm and storms up to where Rei stands. Asuka wouldn't know, Rei tells herself, that she had once been carried like that on an A.T. Field; she was asleep, but in this moment she thinks Asuka is remembering it.

"Won't that tire you out or something?" So that's not it, Rei thinks. "Isn't the entire point of this trip so you won't have to do that anymore? If you go and tire yourself out now you're not helping anyone!"

"It'll help you-"

"Don't you get it?" Asuka shouts, dropping her bundles by her feet and throwing out her arms. It's a grander gesture than she needs, but there's a frenzy stirring inside her; she needs Rei to understand that wearing herself out is something that Asuka can't let her do, if only so Rei will not leave her alone again. Her hands fasten around Rei's shoulders and shake her. "You don't have to do this. I can handle myself just fine, and if you think I can't then you're being stupid!"

Her voice echoes off the hillsides, down the paths where they came and back toward Tokyo-3. Asuka's hands slip from Rei's shoulders, where her fingers spread into ten distinct, quivering digits before balling into equally trembling fists. She's done it again; Rei has only tried to help, and this is Asuka's reply. Rei herself stands looking at Asuka, her demeanor unruffled, detached, like she is observing Asuka from that distant place in her mind.

"Rei?" Asuka says softly. It's the first time, Rei thinks, that she's seen Asuka truly embarrassed. The anger has left her, and now she looks small, apologetic. Asuka brushes a strand of hair behind her ear and clears her throat with a quiet cough. "I didn't mean that. That you were stupid."

She thinks this has been one too many times, and if Rei leaves her alone in the middle of the hills, Asuka won't fault her. She stands with her eyes fixed on Rei's feet, waiting for them to move and carry Rei past her, back towards Tokyo-3 and Shinji. He will be kinder to Rei, Asuka thinks, than she has been.

Rei is moving, picking up her bundles. Of course. She'd want her things. Asuka lets her fists unclench and droop to her sides, still keeping her head down. Rei approaches her, stopping just in front of her. Here is their goodbye, Asuka is certain, and from this point she will have to fend for herself, like she's always said she can.

Rei stoops down, picking up the bag with the planks. She sees Asuka blink and take a step back, trying to make sense of this. Rei's continued presence puzzles her. "It's alright," Rei says, like this will explain everything. "I know."

She turns and continues up the hill, trying to peer over the crest of it. If her memory is correct, their destination will appear just over this ridge. It will be at least another hour away, but if she can see it and confirm its presence then this will all have been worth it. Rei walks on, her strides a little longer, her pace a little quicker. Behind her she hears Asuka picking up her bundles, the two she'd dropped and the one Rei had left for her. They are travelers, wandering the countryside; when they arrive they will rest, but until then they will continue on as they always have; as they always will.

* * *

From the bottom of the cliff they're supposed to climb Asuka can see the building Rei's picked out. It's the only one for several miles around, yet its absurdity causes Asuka's mind to stumble over the concept of living in it.

The building itself is about nine stories high, but the first floor is mired in the beach and water trickling in from the sea. It leans against the cliff like one would rest on a counter for support, its floors sloping gently upward. The sixth story lies even with the top of the cliff; a groove in the rocks marks the spot where the building landed, dropped by the aftermath of Third Impact. The cliff itself extends back toward the mountains, further than Asuka can see from her position. "You sure this is safe?" she asks.

"It is. I checked," says Rei.

They make their way up the cliff and let themselves in through a hole in the side. The edges of the hole are all smooth, as if someone took a tool and cut their way through before Third Impact had started and left this spherical gap behind. Asuka runs her fingers over the bricks. They are perfectly, unnervingly even. Rei stops to watch Asuka inspect the entrance. "Is there something wrong?"

"It's creepy," Asuka says. "This is."

"I did that with my A.T. Field," answers Rei. "I got the idea from the Fifth."

The Fifth Child, or the Fifth Angel, Asuka wants to ask. She doesn't, just says "oh" and climbs through into the building. It's one of the many that sprung up in Tokyo-3 just before the Angels started coming; she can tell by the lack of paint on the walls and the shine of the faucet in the kitchen. Even with the scent of the sea wafting in through the numerous broken windows, there's still a sense of newness that hangs about the place.

"Not bad, Ayanami," Asuka says. "Makes up for you ditching me that one night."

"Are you still angry about that?" asks Rei. Her shoulders droop with the weight of the bundles she deposits on the ground, and she won't look at Asuka. She bows her head over the first bundle as she retrieves their collection of planks, clinging to each like a lifeline and going back for another as soon as she drops one onto the floor.

"I was never angry," Asuka says. Scared, maybe. No, not maybe. She _was_ scared, as she still is, that Rei will leave her, this thought rooted in her mind by a process of logic that is pulled together from fragments of her life. Mother left, Shinji left, and Rei will leave. Asuka grabs for some of the planks, careful to avoid the nails. They are stuck into the planks just far enough that they won't budge, a collection of long and short and rusted nails that they accumulated on their way out of Tokyo-3. Asuka starts to pull them out one by one, and sticks them in her pocket. They didn't find a hammer, but a coffee can will do. "I'm gonna go board the windows, okay?"

"Leave one open for the light." Rei looks around, surveying the small apartment. There aren't many to choose from- there's one in the kitchen and one in the living room, and that's it. "That one," she says, pointing to the latter.

"The rain?"

"It'll drain out that way." She points to the slanting of the floor, which will collect the water- or the blood, Asuka thinks- and guide it into either the outside hallway or the bathroom, where it will drain away.

"And what if it's blood?"

"It won't be. There isn't any left."

"You're sure?" Asuka swallows, gripping the planks tight to her chest. The little nails dig into her skin and push insistently into the boards.

"Yes."

"Good." Asuka bends and snatches up a coffee can that's rolled out of Rei's bundle. "I'll get the windows, then." And she walks off toward the bedroom, where Rei has forgotten there's a third window. From within it Rei can hear Asuka's persistent hammering and her angry grumbles as she wrestles to yank the nails out of the boards. She could listen to this all day, Rei realizes. Here is what living sounds like: the struggle to find a place Third Impact has left somewhat intact, and to repair it. The thought nestles in her chest, an undeniable warmth, and Rei smiles.

She goes on unpacking, bundling sheets and tossing them over her shoulder, stacking folded clothes in one pile and Asuka's food in another. When she moves into the bedroom, kicking the sleeping bags along with one foot and balancing the clothes and the sheets in her arms, Asuka walks past in the opposite direction with three nails clenched between her teeth and a dented coffee can in hand.

Now there's the question of how to lay the sleeping bags. Asuka will want her space, Rei thinks, but the room is small and obviously built with one person in mind. She ends up unrolling the sleeping bags one next to the other, settling the sheets atop them. They'll be warmer this way, unless Asuka decides her four feet of space isn't enough and moves away from Rei.

Asuka, in the other room, pauses in her hammering. Rei can hear her panting from exertion. This is the liveliest Asuka's ever been around her, she thinks; the Asuka from before, with all her grand motioning, doesn't count. That Asuka was a shell of a girl determined to take up as much space as possible. This Asuka is full of life and the fire she'd only pretended to have before.

The bedroom is furnished and the clothes tucked away in the closet. Rei closes the door behind her and sees Asuka, slumped over the kitchen counter, looking at her. She's swapped the dented can for a bottle of water, which she drinks from before grinning at Rei. "Last one," she says, pointing to the window. "Think you wanna try? A.T. Field is cheating."

There's something in that invitation, a desperate pleading. If Rei says no Asuka will not hold it against her, but when night comes she will lie awake watching Rei sleep, wondering when Rei will go and if there is anything she can do to stop it.

"Sure," Rei says. She goes over to Asuka, places her hand on the plank to hold it flat. Asuka has already put the last nail in place, and all it needs is a good few whacks. It can't be that hard, thinks Rei. She pulls back her arm, pausing briefly to imagine its arc toward the nail, and swings.

The round head punctures the side of the coffee can with a crinkling sound. Light brown liquid begins to leak from between Rei's fingers and dribbles down into the sink. "Oops," says Rei. "Asuka?"

"Just drop it in the sink." Asuka's only just holding her laughter back; it spills from her eyes as brightness and fills the room, and Rei finds herself wanting to laugh as well. "You're supposed to hit it with the flat side, not the middle," she says.

"Oh."

"Guess there's some things even Angels can't do." Asuka grabs another can from the ground and walks over to Rei, holding it out. "Come on. Let's do it right this time."

Rei nods and takes the can, clutching it around the middle. With Asuka's hands guiding her, they manage to hammer the last nail into place with a few hard hits, the strength of which comes mostly from Asuka. "There," Asuka says, brushing hair out of her eyes. "Wasn't so bad, right?"

"Right. Should we put the food away?"

"Fuck it. I'm tired." Asuka eyes the bedroom door, looking as though she would like to knock it down and fling herself face-first onto the sleeping bags.

"I should at least put the buckets out-"

"Look outside, Ayanami. Not a cloud in the sky. Do you think it's going to rain?"

She has a point, Rei thinks. They've walked for far longer than she'd expected, and the sun has begun to sink below the mountains. They'll have maybe half an hour of light left, and then it'll be too dark to do anything other than fumble around and bump into things. "Okay," she says. "Tomorrow."

They stagger into the bedroom as a singular mass. Only now that they've agreed to rest does their fatigue catch up in the form of shaking legs and twitching muscles. Asuka changes into another set of clothes that she designates, from this point on, to be her pajamas; Rei does not at first, but relents on Asuka's insistence. Surprisingly, Asuka wants the spot closest to the wall. Rei doesn't argue.

They slip beneath the covers like they're sinking back into the sea, savoring the warmth of the sleeping bags. Tomorrow, Asuka thinks, she'll go plant some things. She's so lost in thought that she almost misses Rei's voice, muffled by the covers, wishing her a good night.

"Good night, Rei," she replies, and tries to go back to planning. But after that brief pause her mind is blissfully empty, trespassed upon only by the hushed sounds of their breathing and the wind passing by outside.

* * *

A shift in the morning air or Rei's absence, or possibly both, wakes Asuka from her sleep. She opens her eyes and finds herself sprawled out across the two sleeping bags, arms fully outstretched; the space beside her is cold, and Rei is gone.

She pushes herself into a sitting position with her arms, leans heavily against the wall. Through the open bedroom doorway she sees a metal bucket, sitting just outside the hole that Rei made. Not gone then, Asuka thinks, but somewhere near the building.

She moves through the apartment with quick steps, grabbing a bag of food and taking up watch by the living room window. There are more buckets in the distance, disappearing down the back of the cliff like the ridges of a spine. But there's no sign of Rei outside, and the only sounds echoing in the building are the creaking of pipes.

Rei could be gone, Asuka thinks, but she isn't- her books are on the counter, and Asuka can't imagine Rei leaving those behind. Next to them are the seeds in their worn packets, which Asuka grabs and tosses in the air. Their names rain around her- _Radish, Turnip, Carrot, Potato-_ what kind of store would sell potato seeds, Asuka wonders, and gathers them all up.

The top of the cliff is solid rock, but its slope is covered with soft soil, and grass has already begun to take root there. The world, Asuka thinks, is not as dead as she expected. And though the soil here is good Asuka keeps on walking, testing the earth with her feet every few minutes, until she can no longer feel the grit of the sand blown up by the wind. Here, she decides, is where she'll make her garden.

There are things that have to be done before planting; Asuka, having grown up in Germany, knows this. Come planting season the countryside would be filled with machines tilling the soil; but here there is nothing to till with, and the only thing besides the dirt that Asuka can see is the dead stump of a tree that looks more suited for sitting on than anything else. Well then, she'll have to do it by hand, Asuka thinks, the eager smile spreading across her face surprising even herself.

She puts the seeds to the side and starts clawing at the dirt. It quickly finds its way under her fingernails, turning them an earthy brown. She digs deep until the soil is soft, then scoots back and repeats this, throwing pebbles to one side (the left; she'll need to move right later) and occasionally sitting back, her breathing a string of harsh exhales, to survey her work.

When she gets up to start the second row her knees fill with pins and needles, and Asuka stops herself from falling face-first into the ground by falling backwards instead. Rei walks up while Asuka is lying there with the wind knocked out of her. "Are you alright?"

"Great," Asuka wheezes. "Fine. Amazing."

Rei nods and eyes the six or so feet of dirt that Asuka's managed to scratch out. "I thought you were supposed to do something before you plant seeds."

"You see any tools around here?" Asuka rolls her eyes and laughs, holding up a hand. "No A.T. Field. I've got this."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. We'll just have add this to the list of things we need." Asuka rolls over, inching forward on her knees to work on a new row of dirt. "Gardening tools."

"I see," Rei says. Asuka expects her to leave, but Rei stays for a little while longer, not saying anything. She doesn't do anything when Asuka hits a rock and begins to wrestle with it, trying to fit all her fingers around the small nub she's unearthed, pulling at it with her shoulders and legs. It comes free with a spray of dirt that arcs in clumps into Asuka's hair, across her face. Asuka heaves the rock to the side and spits onto the soil, trying to rid her mouth of the taste of it. From her open mouth there comes a sound, wild and unfamiliar. Rei thinks Asuka might be shrieking, but then Asuka throws her head back and lets her hands dangle at her sides, fingertips dragging in the soil. She is laughing, Rei realizes, no longer like a scared child but a victor. Asuka has conquered the world in front of her, with its solitary rock that lies wobbling on its side among the pebbles and the earth from which she will grow her kingdom. She will be fine, Rei thinks, and walks back towards the building, removing herself from this little world of Asuka's. 

The food still has to be organized, put into the cupboards. This is the world Rei is most familiar with, the one cloistered away behind concrete walls. Here she will sort the food into the cabinets, separating the water and the coffee, the chips from the rest of the snacks, and the sweets from what remains. Here she will note what things they need by looking for what is missing; the toothbrushes and toothpaste, the soap, the cooking implements. And when all this is done Rei will hop up on the kitchen counter, the granite smooth beneath her thighs, and read the book Asuka gave to her.

Asuka trudges in several hours later, her face and clothes smeared over with dirt. She stops in the kitchen and spins in a confused little circle, stopping when she sees Rei. "In there," Rei says, knowing exactly what Asuka is going to ask without her saying anything. She watches Asuka dig through everything, grabbing a bag of snacks and a bottle of water.

"I'll have to wash these the next time it rains," Asuka says, gesturing to her clothes. She seems proud of this, Rei thinks, like she's returned home bearing proof of her victory. Asuka lopes over to the bedroom door and leans against it, letting it open under her weight. "I'm exhausted. I'm going to sleep. Good night."

Rei nods and waves; she's certain she sees Asuka smile before she falls back through the doorway and slams the door shut behind her. In the next moment she's dropped her book and left the apartment behind, heading down the road to where Asuka had been.

It is a garden; there's no other word for it, this freshly overturned patch of earth that Asuka's so painstakingly scratched out. Here in four lopsided rows of dirt lie the seeds that Rei has found, that Asuka has planted. When it rains their little sprouts will protrude and climb above the soil, feeling the air to see if it is safe to return. But it could take months, Rei thinks, and if this first attempt at growing food fails she could support Asuka again, though Asuka will hate herself for it.

There is one last thing that can be done here. Rei kneels at the edge of the garden, placing her hands on the dirt. Her fingers slip easily through it, into the coolness beneath the surface. Lilith's power surges beneath her skin, restless, awaiting direction. Rei sends it out in short waves through the earth, guiding them with a single thought, the first order she's ever given.

* * *

She has slept for far too long, Asuka thinks. She can feel the sun on her face, slipping through the cracks in the boards and warming her skin. Asuka rolls over and bumps into Rei's arm, lying outside her sleeping bag. At least she's not the only one who slept in. "Hey," Asuka says. "You awake?"

Rei doesn't move. Asuka prods her with her shoulder. "Hey. Rei."

There's nothing, not even a stirring. She looks pale, but it could be the light. It _is_ the light, Asuka tells herself, because she's been eating for over a week now and there shouldn't be any reason for Rei to be in such a deep sleep except for exhaustion; yes. Rei is tired, but she'll wake up in a few hours, and Asuka will have worried for nothing. Maybe she'll even tell Rei and they can laugh about it, and if Rei laughs then maybe all that worrying will have done some good after all.

For now, Asuka decides she will get breakfast. She dithers between the cabinets, wondering if she can justify eating chocolate-coated biscuits since the inside, after all, is biscuit. She examines all the coffee cans, looking for expiration dates that won't matter for another two years. Here is something Rei has _not_ organized, Asuka discovers. So she does what Rei should have done, putting the newer cans towards the back of the cabinet, and bringing the older ones to the front. And when finally she's finished this and chosen to have chocolate-covered biscuit sticks and coffee, Asuka climbs the slanting staircase that leads to the roof and kicks down the rusted door.

Rei has put buckets up here, too. Asuka works her way between them to the edge overlooking the sea, where she sits with her legs dangling over the side. It's peaceful here; and better, Lilith's head no longer bobs on the horizon, and there's no sand to irritate her skin. If she sits still and listens she can hear the gentle lapping of the waves coming and going through the base of the building. Everything about this moment would be perfect, Asuka thinks, if it weren't for Rei, still asleep downstairs. Rei, who by the time Asuka's finished her breakfast and worked her way back to the apartment, should be awake.

Only Rei isn't awake. She hasn't even moved from her previous position; the breeze wafting in through the open door has tossed her hair over her mouth. Asuka carefully brushes it away and sits on her haunches, watching Rei. The other girl is breathing, Asuka can hear it, but when she brushes her fingers over Rei's forehead there is no fever to be found. She's just tired, Asuka thinks. That's it. She'll go for a walk, and when she gets back Rei will definitely be awake.

Asuka doesn't leave right away. She stays for a while, picking the dirt out from under her nails and rearranging the blankets around Rei's shoulders. When she's done this more times than she can justify she leaves the bedroom behind, shuffling out onto the cliff.

Today she savors the crunch of the gravel underfoot, taking a series of short steps towards the garden. It's a silly reason for a walk, she thinks; there hasn't even been rain. The garden comes into view; Asuka stumbles, catches herself on the next stride, keeps running down towards it. Where she had planted seeds there is now a blanket of green too lush to be weeds, yet how can it be anything else? She doesn't even pause to kneel, but bends and digs up the nearest plant. It's a carrot, Asuka realizes, fully grown, a tiny white root protruding from the base. And there are more; not just carrots, but everything she's planted has sprouted overnight.

At first, she thinks of Lilith. Then she thinks of Rei.

Rei's name tears loose from Asuka's lips as she turns and races back up the cliff. She rushes through the perfectly smooth archway and skids to a stop on the tile of the kitchen, arms flailing as she smacks into the wall. She slides herself along it, fumbles with the bedroom door. When she finally gets it open Rei is still asleep, the blankets around her undisturbed, her breathing faint but even. She must look silly, Asuka realizes; if Rei wakes now she will see Asuka with her mouth hanging open, gasping for air, clutching the top of a carrot like she's trying to strangle it to death.

"Rei?" Asuka's voice creeps out into the silence and fades. Of course Rei won't respond, Asuka tells herself. The last time this had happened Rei hadn't woken for anything, so why would she this time? There's nothing to do but wait, as much as she hates the idea. "You," she says, glaring at the carrot but hoping Rei can hear her, "I cannot believe this." 

That bucket from before still stands by the entryway where Rei left it. Asuka snags it on her way out, throwing the carrot inside. It rattles around, keeps rattling as Asuka storms out to the garden and tosses the bucket down. From then on the only sounds are those of Asuka digging: her breaths that come in mighty huffs, the shifting of the soil, and the thumping of vegetables being thrown into the bucket. She works her way through the carrots and radishes easily; yanks at the turnips until they yield. Her hands labor to the mantra in her head, that Rei is alright and she'll wake up soon.

The potatoes she has to excavate one by one, but they make a satisfying thunk when they land in the bucket, and soon enough Asuka has uprooted all of them as well. They tumble around when she lifts the bucket, now heavy with everything, with what must be one or two month's worth of food. Asuka holds it against her chest and looks down, fighting the lump suddenly forming in her throat. It'll be okay, she thinks; it's impossible that Rei is so tired that she'll still be asleep when Asuka comes back with this.

But the apartment is still when Asuka returns, and Rei still hasn't moved. Asuka slams the bucket on the kitchen counter, wincing at the sharp ring of metal on stone. Rei doesn't even twitch. There is nothing for Asuka to do other than pull a bottle of water from the cabinets and pour it over the vegetables, washing off the dirt. She starts with the smaller ones, rubbing them with her fingers until they're clean, saving the potatoes for last.

Rei steps out of the bedroom just as Asuka starts on the radishes, yawning widely and rubbing her eyes. Her feet make little scuffing noises on the tiles, and Asuka whips around at the sound of them. In an instant she has dropped the vegetables and dried her hands on her pants; she grabs Rei by the shoulders, torn between shaking and hugging her.

"Rei! You... complete idiot!" Asuka shouts. "You did that, didn't you? What if you killed yourself doing it, huh? Did you ever think about that? Did you think about what I'd do?"

"It was fine," Rei murmurs.

"No, it wasn't!" Her hands tighten around Rei's shoulders, as though Rei alone is keeping her upright. "If you'd died I never would have forgiven myself!"

"Asuka." Rei smiles, a weak, timid smile that still somehow makes Asuka deflate. "It's alright."

"You're an idiot, that's what you are," Asuka says. The walls of her throat are closing up; what might be tears tug at the edges of her eyes, but she spins Rei around and pushes her back towards the bedroom. "Go sleep more, if you're still this tired."

Rei turns to Asuka, looking as though she wants to say something, and sees the look on her face. It must be something, Asuka thinks, embarrassed, since Rei only nods and sinks obediently back down into the warmth of her sleeping bag. Asuka watches her curl up under the covers, and she's asleep in a matter of minutes.

It feels as though Rei's fatigue has rubbed off on her, Asuka thinks as she walks back into the kitchen. There's maybe another hour or two left of daylight; after that, she'll have to wait for the moon or try to get some sleep. After all this, sleep might not be so bad. But first she has to eat, so that Rei can recover. Asuka reaches for the cupboards, hesitates. It'd be a waste, she tells herself, for Rei to have spent all her energy growing food if Asuka doesn't try it.

Asuka reaches into the bucket and picks out a carrot. She looks at it oddly for a moment- what if some residue from Third Impact had seeped into the earth?- and sinks her teeth into it.

It's the best thing she's tasted in months.

* * *

Asuka carries herself wearily through the entryway and collapses on the kitchen counter. Her head lies a few inches away from where Rei sits with her book open in her hands. Rei looks at her, and for a moment her face is painfully, perfectly blank. As Asuka meets her eyes that expression melts into the traces of a tired smile. "Where have you been?"

"The garden," Asuka mutters. "Fixing what you did." She might be sulking, Rei thinks, with her head settled in her arms and her hands obscuring her mouth. "Don't speed this one up or anything. I'll know."

"If you insist."

"You're not taking me seriously." Asuka scowls and swats Rei's leg. Rei frowns at her and shuffles away towards the sink. Something about that- maybe the sideways motion, maybe the way Rei's hands tighten around her book- reminds Asuka of a crab, and she laughs. They're both too tired for this, she thinks; Rei is still recovering, and she'd spent all her anger the day before. "Look," Asuka says quietly. "I thought you were going to die or something."

"You shouldn't have worried. I know my limits."

"Yeah, well _I_ don't!" The room reverberates with the echo of Asuka's fists slamming on the counter. Asuka staggers back, cradling her hands. At least now she has Rei's attention, she thinks. Rei puts her book to the side and stands, keeping one hand on the counter, staring at Asuka. She does not look away. Several long, quiet moments pass before Asuka realizes what she's said: not the admission that there's something she doesn't know, but that she cares. Inwardly she might feel a little relieved; this, she knows, has been a long time coming and as far as things she's yelled have gone this is not the most embarrassing. But Rei hasn't said anything, hasn't moved, and Asuka's stomach sinks as though it is a stone dropped into a well.

"You, uh." Asuka's tongue stumbles over itself. She is all too aware of the heat rising in her cheeks, of the grime on her palms that she has yet to wash off and the mud on her shoes that someone will have to sweep out before the next rainfall. "You... should rest. You still look... bad."

"Really?" asks Rei. She looks around the kitchen, but the only reflective surface she can find is the faucet. All the faucet tells her is that she is pale. "I feel fine."

"It's the..." Asuka pauses, biting her lip, and motions to all of Rei. Her hand on the counter; the drooping of her eyelids. She looks like she might fall apart, as Lilith did, or otherwise burst into LCL if she knocks into something too hard. "You need a hand?"

Rei shakes her head, drifting past with small little steps that carry her toward the bedroom. She stops in front of Asuka, seemingly waiting for something. Asuka wonders if perhaps Rei's changed her mind after all, or maybe she is testing her to see if she will help without being asked. Maybe it's both; this is Rei, after all.

Rei steps forward, slipping her arms under Asuka's. Oh, Asuka thinks, over and over until Rei's head rests against her chest. Her arms come up, automatically it seems, to hold Rei in place. This way, Asuka thinks, they won't fall over. And she goes on thinking that this is such a strange request for help that the embrace doesn't register for a full minute; when that happens Asuka realizes they've been hugging for far too long, and yet she finds she doesn't want to let go. She would be fine holding Rei until the sun disappears and they fall asleep on their feet, or perhaps giving herself over and letting Rei hold her once her legs become too tired to keep her standing. Here they are, statues in the light of the afternoon sun, unwilling to let each other go for some reason that yet eludes them.

"Hey," Asuka whispers. "Shouldn't you go rest?"

"I am."

* * *

Rei insists on returning to the city as soon as she's strong enough to travel. They're in serious need of some things, she says, having committed an entire list to memory. Asuka can't remember more than the first five, and so she is left to wander in aimless circles around the intersection that Rei has appointed as their meeting spot, shooting the occasional glance at the pile of random objects she's collected.

The sun is high overhead, beating down on Tokyo-3. Time has done its work and dried the puddles of Lilith's blood; now, when Asuka looks, she can't tell if what stains the streets is blood or LCL. Everything that happened in the city seems to have taken place long ago, to another her whose memories Asuka can recall with perfect clarity. But Rei is here, and she is proof that all of this is not a dream, that Asuka has indeed risen from the sea and is alive.

Rei still isn't back, Asuka thinks, but there's still time before they need to leave if they want to be home before nightfall. She spins in a small circle in the center of the street, watching the world rotate around her. A small patch of clouds hovers over the hills from which they came; in between two buildings in the distance Asuka glimpses a white structure, shaped like a hand, reaching taller than the structures around it. It could be a Mass Production EVA, she thinks. Or it might not be. Either way, they're dead. If they were going to come for her, they would have done it long ago.

From one of the streets there comes a faint ringing, like that of metal on stone. Asuka tears her eyes away from the ruins and watches Rei advance down the street, hauling something with her. They're backpacks, Asuka realizes once Rei's gotten closer, and all of them are full. "Hey!" she shouts. "You okay?"

"Fine," Rei calls back. She covers the last few yards to Asuka in a lopsided sprint, running with her shoulders leaning to one side and the backpacks flopping around her. This is the consequence of only ever running in an EVA, Asuka supposes.

"I got everything," Asuka says. "Pots, toothbrushes, toothpaste, matches, and a rake."

__

"Did you get the eggs?"

Asuka freezes in the middle of reaching for the rake. "Eggs?" she asks. "What eggs- You never said- How am I supposed to get _eggs_ in the middle of this?!"

"It was a joke," says Rei. "I thought people did this. Forgetting eggs."

"Not like that," Asuka groans. Rei, growing a sense of humor. This, if anything, is proof that the world has ended and Asuka is living in it. "Is there anything else we need?"

"I have it all. Here." Rei extends her hands and passes two of the backpacks to Asuka, adjusting the remaining pair on her shoulders. She tilts her head back slightly to look at the clouds lingering over the hills, and frowns. "Rain," she says. "We should hurry."

"Right," Asuka says. The backpacks fit snugly over her back; through the coarse fabric she can feel the shifting of what feels like bottles. Water, she thinks, or something which in Rei's mind is equally important. She grabs the rake and reaches for the pots, only to find that Rei's grabbed them already. "Hey. Let me carry some."

"I gave you the heavy backpacks," Rei says. "We're even."

"Rei," Asuka says, torn between laughing and groaning, "You can't hold five pots forever."

"Then I'll hold them until we've returned."

"Okay, fine." Asuka gestures into the air with her rake and follows after Rei, swiping at the rocks in her path with it.

The clouds seem to come to life as Rei and Asuka approach the first of the hills. They surge overhead in a wall that stretches from the coast to the mountains, pouring cold, drenching rain over the landscape. With it comes darkness pressing in from every side; Asuka soon loses sight of the road, but Rei reaches back and offers a hand for Asuka to take, pointing into the storm. She must know where she's going, Asuka thinks, and lets herself be led. And as the rain soaks into her clothes, raising goosebumps on her skin and making her shiver, Rei's hand remains warm, not letting go, guiding her up and down the hills.

They stop atop one of the hills; probably, Asuka thinks, so Rei can get her bearings. The rain comes down in near-sideways sheets, pelting Asuka's face with water. Maybe Rei, as an Angel, will have better luck- after all, at least one Angel had attacked during a storm. She shivers, shaking her head. The lightning is only lightning, she tells herself, and the Fifteenth Angel is dead.

"Asuka?" Rei shouts over the wind. "Are you alright?"

"Yeah," Asuka replies. "Are we almost there?"

Asuka doesn't hear Rei's response, but she sees the frown, feels Rei's hand squeeze tighter around hers. She expects Rei to continue walking, but Rei hesitates instead. She stands there for a long moment, watching Asuka, hardly blinking despite the rain running down her hair and into her eyes. And when she does move it is to turn suddenly and throw her other hand out before her, a dramatic gesture so unlike her that Asuka is more shocked by this than by the A.T. Field unfurling in front of them.

"Rei!" Asuka yells, pulling Rei back towards her. "Rei, what are you doing?"

"Blocking the rain."

"You don't have to do this. I'm not cold." And she isn't, not all of her; the space where their hands connect burns with a warmth that radiates from that point into the rest of her. "Rei-"

"I'll be fine." Rei laughs, the sound swept away by the wind, but her A.T. Field glows a little brighter. "It won't tire me out that much." She sees Asuka frown and pulls on her arm, keeping the A.T. Field in front of them. "Come on. Let's go."

They keep walking until they stumble through the entryway, moving just out of the spray of the rain. "Made it," Rei says, and Asuka wonders if Rei's voice has always been that soft, or if she's tired herself out again. Despite what she'd said earlier, Rei is swaying on her feet. Asuka steadies her quickly, taking Rei's shoulders into her hands. She isn't shaking, but she's cold to the touch. Water drips from their clothes onto the floor, joining the muddy flow that surges across the tiles and down into the hallway.

Rei slides her arms around Asuka's waist. It's such a sudden gesture that Asuka doesn't know how to react; when she looks up Rei is staring at her, her eyes aglow. Here is Rei in her arms, and Asuka would laugh if she knew it wouldn't suddenly turn everything awkward. She is aware of Rei's eyes watching her every movement, of the heat creeping up past her ears and into her cheeks. She should let go, she thinks. They need to get out of their wet clothes before they get sick.

Asuka voices this last thought in a stuttering, rambling sentence that she has to restart twice and goes on for far longer than it needs to. _She_ is the awkward one, _she_ is initiator of another lengthy hug, but hadn't Rei hugged her back? Rei is the one who now refuses to let go, resting her head on Asuka's chest. Asuka thinks she might be listening for a heartbeat. She decides to repeat herself, in case Rei had missed what she said, in case the frantic pounding of her heart is the only thing Rei can hear. "We should... probably change."

She sees Rei nod, but not do anything else. If anything the hands around Asuka's waist pull tighter, refusing to let her go. She watches the smile that works slowly across Rei's face; she sees Rei lift her chin, and suddenly it feels as though Asuka has forgotten how to breathe. A thought claws its way free of the chaos in her mind, absurd and utterly ridiculous, that Rei Ayanami is kissing her. But it must be true; those are Rei's lips moving against hers, Rei who gasps and hesitates when Asuka inhales sharply, like she's only just realized what's happening. She feels Rei's fingers begin to slip from her waist and grabs at her hand. No, Asuka wants to say. Stay.

She leans forward and presses her mouth to Rei's. Someone sighs into the quiet; it might be her as she lifts her hand to Rei's cheek and tilts her face to the side; it might be Rei, releasing a month's worth of tension that's built itself into a burden she is all to happy to be relieved of. And when Rei kisses her back Asuka feels no shock, only a growing sense of content. This feels right, she thinks. Here is the singular moment in Asuka's life that she can call perfect and will forever be looked upon with fondness; Asuka, with Rei in her arms, framed in the rain that pours outside and rattles against the wooden planks covering the windows.

* * *

When Asuka wakes she can only remember little pieces of the night before, of her and Rei refusing to release each other until the wind changed course and blew rain straight in their faces; of Rei sitting behind her, drying her hair with a towel that had been carried back in one of the backpacks; of climbing into her sleeping bag next to Rei and their hands joining under the covers. Then sometime in the early morning, when the sun was not yet high enough to shine through the windows, she could have sworn that Rei kissed her again.

Now, lying on her side and staring at Rei's empty sleeping bag, Asuka wonders what it all meant. She's been thinking about it for the past hour, listening to the sounds of Rei moving around outside and the dripping of water from the saturated planks. Eventually she'll have to go outside to eat, and when she does she'll have to talk to Rei about... whatever had happened. But Rei had kissed her first; that had to mean something.

Asuka sits up, nervously rubbing her hands together. She will leave this room, she tells herself. She will talk to Rei, and whatever happens will happen. Asuka draws in a deep breath, steeling herself. Then she steps into the other room.

Rei is not inside the apartment. Asuka looks out the door and sees Rei wandering past, her arms full of plastic bottles- ten at the least. "Rei," Asuka says. "What are you doing?"

Rei looks up, nearly dropping the bottle at the top of the pile, which she's kept tucked under her chin. "Filling them," she replies.

"Can't you just bring the buckets inside and we can get the water from there?!"

"You were asleep."

"I was..."

"I didn't want to wake you."

''Oh," says Asuka, wondering why she is the one feeling foolish when Rei could just as easily have brought all the buckets in. "You're being-"

"Stupid. I know," Rei laughs. She steps forward; Asuka notices the bottles have all dropped from her hands, which now reach out to take Asuka's face between them. "Good morning", she says, and kisses Asuka- lightly, on the mouth, waiting for Asuka to reciprocate. Asuka receives the kiss with her lips shut and her breath caught in her throat. Rei's confidence wavers, but before it shatters completely Asuka has stepped forward decisively to kiss her back, patting Rei's hands.

And when the kiss is complete Asuka steps back, smiling. "I was going to say you were being ridiculous."

"Isn't it all the same?"

"I don't know. Maybe it is," Asuka says, and Rei's smile grows broader than she's ever seen it before. She could stand there all day and look at it, she thinks, but there are things she wants to do. "How do you feel?"

"Better."

Asuka nods, unable to say what she thinks would be the proper response, which is _good_. What kind of day would start with kissing Rei and then be called _good_? "Hey, Rei," she says. "You're... not doing anything, right?" That, Asuka realizes, is exactly what a stupid question sounds like. But Rei only shakes her head and laughs, gathering up the bottles and dumping them inside the apartment.

"Nothing in particular," answers Rei. "It can wait."

"I was thinking we could go down to the beach. I want to go back." She expects Rei will ask why, or maybe try to get her to do something else. Rei just nods and points toward the edge of the cliff.

"I can carry us down."

"It's fine," Asuka says. "We can walk."

They follow a small rocky path down the other side of the cliff, one that keeps doubling back on itself. Asuka doesn't say anything; Rei, she thinks, will not either- her eyes are locked on the distant horizon, and she seems to be preoccupied by something. But she blinks and smiles when Asuka's hand slips under hers, locking their fingers together.

When they reach the beach Asuka pulls Rei toward a heap of rocks just above the tide line. Bits of the sky shine in the puddles left behind by the waves, coloring the water a murky purple. Asuka finds herself a patch between them big enough to seat two, and without prompting Rei sits beside her.

The sea is just as Asuka had expected it to be- quiet, red, lifeless. Rei has turned their hands over so that Asuka's lies on the bottom; her fingers trace small patterns across Asuka's palm. "Rei?" Asuka says. "Can I ask you something?"

"Yes."

"Why did you come back from the ocean?"

Rei sighs, a sound like the rushing of the wind. She's expected this, Asuka realizes. And from the way she sits, with her shoulders back and head tilted to the sky, Asuka knows Rei expected her to ask this sooner.

"I saw what you did when you were in the sea," she says. "I knew you wouldn't do well alone."

"But you didn't come for me first. You went to Shinji."

"I went to him because I knew you would reject me, if I came to you first. And I knew Shinji would, too." Rei shrugs, and Asuka glimpses something on her face that looks like it doesn't belong there- remorse, maybe. "He's afraid of me now. Because of Lilith."

"It would be hard not to be," Asuka says. "Afraid of Lilith."

"You aren't."

"You're not Lilith. You're Rei."

"Do you really think so?"

"I'm pretty sure." Asuka laughs, folding her fingers over Rei's. "I mean, can Lilith love?" And here it is, the question of her own that she's been wanting to spring. Rei's hand stiffens in hers, and when Asuka looks over Rei refuses to meet her eyes.

"No." Rei's voice is almost lost in the crashing of the waves, and it seems to tremble slightly, just like her.

"And do you?" Rei nods, a tiny jerk of her chin. She looks as though she might cry, Asuka thinks. "Do you love me?"

"What do you think?" Rei asks.

"I think you're being stupid again," Asuka says. "But then again, so am I. I mean, I fell for you, didn't I?"

The tension in Rei's face breaks, and she smiles softly at Asuka. "Yes," she replies. "You did."


	5. Part 5

After three or so months the crops sprout again, prompting Asuka to grab a bucket and a serving spoon- Rei's substitute for a proper trowel- and go dig everything up. The carrots yield without a fight, as do the radishes and turnips; the only ones that she struggles with are, again, the potatoes. Though she'll never admit it to Rei, Asuka is glad their infrequent trips to the city have uncovered something other than potato seeds- even if their replacement is cucumbers.

Rei comes out of the apartment when Asuka is elbow-deep in the garden, pulling on a potato that's snagged on something Asuka can't seem to find. "How is it?" she asks.

"Everything's fine," Asuka grunts, holding the spoon like a knife and stabbing it into the ground. "Just this- this one's caught. Can't find what..."

Rei crouches in the dirt next to Asuka and places a hand over the hole she's dug. "It's a root," she says. "From that tree over there. The potato grew around it."

"So you're saying I have to cut it out?"

"You could just leave it there."

"Ohhh, no," Asuka says. "I've had enough of potatoes. It's coming out."

"I could use my A.T. Field on it."

"And what'll happen then?"

"I don't know. Maybe it’ll just… stop existing." Rei frowns, peering down at the mud-covered potato. "I wonder if that’s what happened to everyone.”

“Hey.” Asuka shuffles her feet, kicking dirt into the hole. “That was different. It wasn’t…” Asuka sucks in a breath, remembering- the hands that caressed her face, that one moment of peace before she turned into LCL- “Look, Rei, it’s a plant,” she says. “Just try it.”

Rei bites her lip, but she nods and closes her eyes. From under their feet comes a hum and a little orange spark, followed by a pop. Where there once was a potato, there is now a gaping hole through which Asuka can see the tree root. "Huh."

"Not what you expected?" asks Rei.

"Not really. But thanks." Asuka squats down and shovels dirt into the hole, packs it down with her shoes. "So what'd you come out here for?"

"I wanted to tell you I was making food," Rei says. "I'm trying stew this time."

"I told you, anything goes as long as you don't burn the apartment down."

"Yes, because you're an expert at that."

"Hey." Asuka turns away, trying not to remember the cause of the ten-foot scorch mark that now decorates the floor between the kitchen and the bedroom. "It was an accident."

"Right. Anyway, I thought I'd ask if you wanted to... maybe sit and watch the beach with me?"

"Sure. Why not?" Asuka stands, dusting her hands off on the sides of her jeans. "Potatoes aren't going anywhere, unless you decide to assimilate them into Instrumentality, too."

"You won't let that go, will you?"

"Nope." She grins widely at Rei, linking their hands together and giving hers an affectionate squeeze. "Come on. Let's go."

They walk to the edge of the cliff in silence, as they always do. Asuka's tried talking to Rei before on these walks, and has never received a reply. Rei, she thinks, must be trying to see if anyone else has climbed out of the ocean, and yet she's never asked about it. Some part of her, the same selfish part that had wanted Shinji all to herself when they had stayed together in Misato's apartment, doesn't want anyone else to come out. Or if they do, let them come out near Shinji, and they can be his problem.

But the other part of Asuka, the one that sets her heart aflutter at the sound of Rei's laugh and memorizes all the small smiles Rei gives her, knows that this must happen. Rei might not talk with whoever comes back; certainly won't look at them the way she looks at Asuka (like the old ocean is preserved in her eyes, she'd said), but she needs someone to come back, if only to prove that Third Impact is not the end of mankind. That she, the trigger of it, has not sentenced humanity to a slow extinction.

Rei reaches the cliff first and sits down, folding her legs under her. "It's a nice day," she says. "Not too much wind."

"It means rain's gonna come soon, that's what."

"Then you'd better plant some more seeds."

"Later. Tomorrow." Asuka nudges Rei with her shoulder. "We came here to relax." Rei nods, reaching across the grass to grasp Asuka’s hand. “You know, it’s been what, a year since Third Impact? I thought at least something other than plants would be back by now.”

“Third Impact wiped out all life on this island. While it may exist elsewhere, it will take some time for it to return here.”

"Don't tell me we'll have to build a boat," Asuka groans, wrinkling her nose in disgust. "I've had enough of being stranded in the middle of the ocean for a lifetime."

"We won't have to. Someone will, eventually," says Rei. But even though she looks away, Asuka can see her face falling.

"You're worried that no one's shown up, aren't you?" Rei’s fingers tense around Asuka’s, squeezing them tightly. "Hey," Asuka says. "It'll be fine. Just give everyone some time."

“You returned,” Rei whispers. “As did Shinji. I thought more people would have come back by now.”

“You said it yourself. There might be life somewhere else. Besides, I’m pretty sure there’s other places people are coming back. It’d suck if everyone on earth lived in Japan.”

Rei giggles softly at the comment. “I guess you’re right,” she says.

“Come on.” Asuka reaches around Rei’s shoulders, pulls her closer so she can press her lips to the top of Rei’s head. “I’m always right.”

“Mm.” Rei closes her eyes, feeling the warmth coming off of Asuka’s skin, enjoying it even more than she does the light of the sun. The sun, at least, will remain for several thousand more lifetimes, and far beyond that. Asuka’s warmth is fleeting and rarely given, and when the pressure on Rei’s head lifts suddenly she opens her eyes, confused by this change. “Asuka?” Asuka doesn’t answer verbally, but lifts her free hand to point at the horizon. Rei follows the slant of her index finger, staring with confusion out at the sea. “What is it?” Asuka jabs her finger into the air, at whatever this thing is she sees- and just as Rei is about to give up and ask Asuka a third time, she sees it too.

Something has appeared at the edge of the red waves, too large to be driftwood. It rises on shaky legs, stumbles, stands again and slouches a few feet up the beach, repeating this motion like a child learning to walk. Rei’s breath catches audibly in her throat, her hand now squeezing Asuka’s so tightly it’s a wonder that the other girl doesn’t complain. Rei almost wants to turn and ask if Asuka is seeing this as well, but she must be; after all, she’d pointed this- this person?- out in the first place.

The splashing of the waves is the only sound Rei hears for the long minutes it takes for the person to fully emerge from the water, where they collapse on the beach spread-eagled, like a sea star. Asuka leans over, her hair tickling Rei’s cheek. “Do you wanna go say hi?” she whispers.

Rei shakes her head, still watching the prone figure on the beach. After a while, Asuka turns away to look at them as well. The person retracts their arms and rolls over, pushing up into a standing position. They turn on the spot, taking in the rocky coastline and the ruins of the buildings half-flooded by the sea. Then they start down the beach as if guided by some unseen compass, heading away from Asuka and Rei.

The two girls sit on the cliff, watching the person wander off in a meandering line, leaving behind a trail of footprints that the sea is all too happy to wipe away. When they disappear beyond a curve in the cliffs there is one single moment where the only proof they had ever existed is the marks left behind in the sand- and then those too are gone, and Asuka looks over at Rei.

Rei is still looking out at the place where those last footprints had been. But something in her face has changed; the hard lines that Asuka had seen before are gone, and now Rei sits with her shoulders back, like this immense weight has been lifted from her and she can once again breathe freely.

Rei turns while Asuka is staring at her, and from the way she tilts her head Asuka knows that she’s been caught. But Rei only smiles that soft, gentle smile that churns up butterflies in Asuka’s stomach and sends her pulse racing, and she squeezes Asuka’s hand. “I think the stew should be nearly done by now,” she says. “Let’s head back.”

Asuka returns the smile and climbs to her feet, not letting go of Rei’s hand. Together they walk back down the path to the apartment, their shoes leaving little imprints in the clay of the cliffside, each indistinguishable from the other’s.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _So that was my venture into P3I and postmodern literature and all things considered I'm fairly satisfied with it. I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I did writing it._


End file.
